Should I side with my parents or my husband?

Question

My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. My husband lost his temper and responded that they are doing wrong and he does not wish to keep a further relationship with them because of the way they wrong him EVERY time we meet (at gatherings, etc.).

My parents at that time did the same with me and told me that I am blinded and that my husband is a liar, and so is his family, etc. etc. My husband was selected by my parents, we had gotten married with everyone's consent and he is making a halal earning Alhumdullilah. My parents also gave me the ultimatum that I have hurt them over the years by siding with my husband. At this point, my siblings are also siding with my parents and all parties are at a no-talking relationship. I do not know how to proceed but am completely aware of the fact that my parents are in the wrong, as much as I hate to say it.

Islamically, how should a woman deal with such a conflict between her two families (i.e. between her husband and her parents), especially insofar as she is expected to maintain ties with both?

Answer 1

Being respectful to your both families - your previous and your current family - is praised by Allah.

If the two families can not welcome each other, pushing them together doesn't help. So I propose you to kindly communicate both of them - your parents and your husband. You can meet your parents lonely.

But don't let each one to say bad things about the other when you are there - just try to change the talk or behave such that they feel you dislike - ولا يغتب بعضكم بعضا -.

Making peace between them is something very hard and time consuming but very pleasant.

فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا بِالْعَدْلِ وَأَقْسِطُوا إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُقْسِطِينَ

Answer 2

(ALLAH knows the best. May HE forgive me if my understanding is wrong)

In ALLAH's view, no man or woman is superiority due to his birth. But, to maintain order, Islam defines the priority order. On that note, ALLAH (SWT) clearly delegated the leadership of a family to the husband.

To be specific, for a woman after her marriage, her husband have the priority over her parents unless he is not doing (or ordering) any haram to her or ordering to misbehave to them or disobey any of ALLAH's fard orders. There are many references on this matter, and there is almost no controversy on this. e.g.

"وعن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه عن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم قال‏:‏ ‏"‏ لو كنت آمرًا أحدًا أن يسجد لأحد لأمرت المرأة أن تسجد لزوجها‏"‏" (رواه الترمذي وقال ‏:‏ حديث حسن صحيح‏)‏‏)‏‏.‏)

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (PBUH) said, "If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband".

[At-Tirmidhi]

But, there is no hadith this extreme regarding the parents of a woman.

However, general directions for treating parents with proper respect will have it's own place. The wife should maintain that without hurting her husband. But if, in a worst case, the direction from the husband and from the parents are conflicting, the husband's one will get priority. And, denial of the parent's one have to be in respectful way.

On the contrary, for a man, his mother will get the utmost priority, unless she is ordering something haram to his son. If his wife and his mother is presenting a conflict, his mother have the right to win.

May ALLAH give you the ability to please him.

Answer 3

You should side with your husband if He is

• Kind to you
• Provides you living and financial support
• Provides you emotional support
• Does not insult your family or siblings
• Generally cares about you

You should side with your parents if your parent do all of the above for you!

In either case respect both. Do not offend your parents or even talk loud to them.

This is a very common issue in our society. We can decide such issues by generally understanding things. Usually religion in this case does not help much because both parties are regarded very high in Islam. Verse 17:23-24 talks about how to treat old parents. Also there is plenty of emphasis on husband right in Islam. In short use common judgement, who really cares about your and who is right?

In this case you seem to be already decided. Just wanted to give you some help. By the way you cannot talk loud with your parents and you cannot offend them in any possible way. There is no way you can hurt your parents’ feelings to Islam. So if you think they are wrong, be kind to them and try to console them.

Answer 4

You have to obey your parents instructions If it is not against islamic law(shareeath). You also have responsibility to to love and care your husband.

It is difficult to believe that your parents hurt your husband without any reason . Insulting a person a person is not allowed in islam ,So you must not support it even if they are your parents . But at the same time you must not say any rude words to parents or show disrespect to support your husband

husband or parents?

Answer is both, you should must stay with your husband and support him, but at the same time you should respect your parents and obey their instructions which not against shareeath,

Yes, it is very hard to practise, pray to almighty ALLAH to resolve all these issues,

sorry for my bad English

Answer 5

I am going through the exact same issues since I got married.

My mother always finds small issues to dislike and be rude to my husband and his family. It also has gotten to a point that my husband has lost patience and we have decided to keep distance from my mother.

I feel bad that I am distanced from my mother but sadly she always encourages me towards gossip and ill feelings and in my view staying away is better than quarreling and being emotionally hurt. This is my test in life, my mother. It is a test for you too.

Answer 6

Side with those who are righteous, Islam teaches us to stick to the truth always so don't ask who should I side with , say who is with the truth because that's who I will side with .

Answer 7

Do I have to be on the side of my parents or my husband? Try to build a relationship with your parents. Don't just go around with your parents. Try to resolve the ambiguities and discomforts between your spouse and your parents and establish a close and friendly relationship between your family. In this way, you can get help from people trusted and respected by both parties in the family, tribe and neighborhood. Khatr has to give their consent as long as she lives in her parents' house, but when she signs the marriage contract and enters the husband's house, her duties change. There she must marry and put her satisfaction above all else, even where there is a conflict between the wishes of her parents and the wishes of her husband. If her parents are upset, she is strengthened by the satisfaction of her husband, the bond of love and affection, which is the best guarantee for the survival of the marriage.

Ref.: http://www.isca.ac.ir/Portal/home/?paper/134515/115489/77876/