Ties of kinship question

Question

My mother gave me up for adoption.Her parents persuaded (or even forced) her to do it because in where she lives, it was great shame to have illegitimate child. So basically, my family rejected me to preserve honor.Now, 19 years later, i want to meet my mother and her other children she has with her husband (who probably doesn't even know that she has illegitimate child).

The question i want to ask is ; How should i treat my mother? She never breastfeed me, she didn't do any of the obligations mother has over her child so am i to give her full respect and love despite all of that,or am i allowed to disobey her? What about my other relatives, aunts and uncles, how should i treat them?

Answer 1

As sallamu alaykum wa rahmatullah wa baraktuhu. May Allah have mercy on me and you. I can only imagine all that you've been through and probably are still going through. Allah speaks about how he fixes the hurt and damaged heart he says

"And We send down of the Qur’aan that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe” [al-Isra’ 17:82] 

Healing here can be physical like when one does ruqyah or spiritual like making you forget past emotional hurt etc. In regards to the question whatever ones parent has done to them they must be good to them especially the mother due to hadith.

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: A person came to Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and asked, "Who among people is most deserving of my fine treatment?" He (ﷺ) said, "Your mother". He again asked, ''Who next?" "Your mother", the Prophet (ﷺ) replied again. He asked, "Who next?" He (the Prophet (ﷺ)) said again, "Your mother." He again asked, "Then who?" Thereupon he (ﷺ) said," Then your father."

In another narration:

"O Messenger of Allah! Who is most deserving of my fine treatment?" He (ﷺ) said, "Your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father, then your nearest, then nearest". [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

Allah also told us to obey them and only disobey them if they order us to disobey him. Refer to surah luqman.

These are some evidences that kind treatment to parents especially mother Is ordered,loved and rewarded by Allah.

Evidences for keeping ties of kingship are also many.

“… and fear Allaah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of ) the wombs (kinship)…” [al-Nisa’ 4:1]

and those who break the Covenant of Allaah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allaah has commanded to be joined (i.e., they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives), and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse ; And for them is the unhappy home (.” [al-Ra’d 13:25]

So to conclude wether you are in right or wrong or they are you should forgive for sake of allah like prophet yusef did with his brothers and don't ask for apology do it because your Muslim you want to obey allah and they will themselves feel bad and apologize to you start slow with phonecalls and presents and dawah etc.

And it will not be easy but ask allah for patience

Abdullah ibn Amr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Those who are merciful will be shown mercy by the Most Merciful. Be merciful to those on the earth and the One in the heavens will have mercy upon you.”

Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1924

And allah knows best