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I have been married for 3 years and me and my wife live separate to parents.

I allow her to visit her parents anytime she likes.

However I do not attend her parents house due to tension and negative influence they place on my wife recently.

On the flip side. I have now asked her to come with me to visit my parents house and my brothers house. Going together as a couple and there is nothing haram about visiting.

As far as my understanding. I have instructed my wife to come with me. She is refusing based on the fact I do not go her parents house.

Can she islamically refuse? As this is disobeying her husband.

I am not obliged to attend her parents house. But as her husband she is obliged to obey as long As it is not haram?

She is currently refusing. Need help please

Thank you

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  • that is why brother, it is extremely important to make it clear before marriage what you expect from your wife regarding treatment of your parents. – ForTheSakeOfAllaahAlone Feb 18 at 16:27
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You are not allowed to put any pressure on your wife to visit your parents. And she has no duty to do so nor will she commit any sin by her rejection. But if she accepted to do so she will be rewarded.

As for your statement that she must follow the orders of her husband this is not a blueprint, in fact scholars counted 3 limitations among them as one my read:
In the following I'll translate from Arabic language, as the translation is of my own take it carefully!

ابن نجيم: المرأة لا يجب عليها طاعة الزوج في كل ما يأمر به؛ إنما ذلك فيما يرجع إلى النكاح وتوابعه خصوصا إذا كان في أمره إضرارا بها. انتهى.
Ibn Najim (Hanafi scholar) said: A woman is not obligated to obey her husband in everything he orders. Rather, that is with regard to marriage and its consequences, especially if it is harmful to them. End quote (Source)

As they are not part of her family or relatives that are considered under the Arabic definition of the term:

Rahim الرحم

Which is the kind of kinship ordered to tie the bond with and referred to in many ahadith like in the Sahih hadith:

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should serve his guest generously; and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should unite the bond of kinship (i.e. keep good relation with his kith and kin); and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should talk what is good or keep quiet." (Sahih al-Bukhari)

So if you put pressure on her to do so you might be sinning, while she is permitted not to follow such an order if made.

Who are the kinship which falls under the term of Rahim?

The scholars have different opinions on this, but none of them counted the family of the husband among those -from the perspective of his wife-! As the term is mainly related to relatives from either mother's or father's side, so as far as there's no blood relationship between husband and wife this doesn't apply to any member of his family.

In the fatwa islamqa #75057 you may find the different opinions of scholars:

The scholars differed as to the definition of the kindred with whom ties of kinship must be upheld. There are three views:
1-That it means one’s mahrams (those whom one is forbidden to marry)
2-That it means those who will inherit from you
3-That it means all blood relatives, whether they are heirs or not.

The correct scholarly view is the third one, that it refers to all blood relatives – not relatives through breastfeeding – on both the father’s side and the mother’s. 

The family of the husband are neither mahrams of the wife (at least none of them is so by default before the marriage, as said airliner Rahim is in first place about blood relatives), nor will they inherit from her nor are they among her blood relatives.


The following is rather off topic, but well-meant advise


How it should be

However it is better if you could convince your wife to visit your family and vice versa because it is an abuse towards them. And if possible each of you should talk to both sides, your wife and your parents and if necessary your wife should talk to her parents kindly and remind them the words of Allah:

And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend. (41:34)

And also have in mind the hadith saying:

Allah's Messenger, I have relatives with whom I try, to have close relationship, but they sever (this relation). I treat them well, but they treat me ill. I am sweet to them but they are harsh towards me. Upon this he (the Holy Prophet) said: If it is so as you say, then you in fact throw hot ashes (upon their faces) and there would always remain with you on behalf of Allah (an Angel to support you) who would keep you dominant over them so long as you adhere to this (path of righteousness). (Sahih Muslim)

which recommends visiting people and holding up ties of kinship with people who dislike you.

And remember that your children are/will be part of both families, therefore it would be best if both of you have at least a regardful relationship towards the families of each of you. As else the poison which this kind of rejection cause may grow and split your marriage by poisoning your children.

See also the following fatwas:

  • islamqa #1426 on rulings on upholding ties of kinship for women.
  • islamweb #408067 -in Arabic- on the ruling whether husband has the right to order or put pressure on his wife to make her visit his parents. And that her refusal is not a reason for talaq. A similar fatwa #220000 and islamqa #154607 - both in Arabic-.
  • islamqa #101321 "If her husband prevents her from visiting her parents, will she be rewarded for her intention?".
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  • If a wife disobeys her husband without any legitimate sharai' reason. then this is a sin. And I do not see any legitimate reason in the question. And you mentioned that she has no duty to visit his parents, agreed. But she has a duty to obey her husband. – ForTheSakeOfAllaahAlone Feb 18 at 15:57
  • @ForTheSakeOfAllaahAlone the fatwas shared clearly show that a wife has the right to refuse. Obedience of the wife is not a blueprint as some think of. – Medi1Saif Feb 18 at 15:58
  • And you mentioned "The family of the husband are neither mahrams of the wife". Husband's father is a permanent mehram for a woman. Fatwas like these are often misunderstood. It is because of these that today we see increasing number of women these days who make it difficult or nearly impossible for a son to fulfill his duties towards his parents. In some cases it even reaches the point where a wife puts husband in situation like "choose me or them". It is because some fatwas make them believe that they have the "right" to do so. – ForTheSakeOfAllaahAlone Feb 18 at 16:08
  • @ForTheSakeOfAllaahAlone that's true, but they are no blood relatives nor part of the wife's family (Rahim) by default and that is the closest meaning on which all scholars agree. – Medi1Saif Feb 18 at 16:09
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Salaam, In the Qur'an, women are raised at a high level and just like the Prophet (SAW), it is important that you respect your wife. In my opinion, she has a right to refuse just as you refused to go with her. When in a situation like this, think about the Prophet (SAW) and his wives... what would he do? Would he refuse to visit her parents, then force her to visit his? ...NO. He treated all his wives with respect. Maybe if you treat her with some respect and show her kindness, she will visits your parents and you will visit hers one day. Have some patience and iA, Allah (swt) will make it happen. Hope that helps. :) michelle

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  • You have totally misunderstood the question and seem to be supporting gender equality rather than Islam. Who said I don’t respect my wife???? Just to clarify... I respect her and treat her well. Her family have been abusive towards me and turning my wife against me. Hence I prevent them from coming over or for me to visit. I never stop her going. My parents have saved our marriage and want us both to be happy. My wife is struggling to apprehend the change of obligation from parents to husband. This is where my question is asked... without rationale can she refuse to visit my parents???? – Muhammad Ali Jan 10 at 1:57
  • Salaam, Sorry if I misunderstood. Your'e right, it is a different story when her family is abusive towards you and turning her against you. It is really difficult when people are whispering things in her ear. If she won't go with you, try going with her to her family. Show them what a good person you are and if they still have the same feelings, then you don't have to go anymore. :) If she sees that you are trying to make peace between your families, maybe she will change. If this doesn't work, keep praying and Allah (swt) will guide you to the right solution. I hope this helps. :) – MuslimGap Jan 11 at 18:12

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