Should I be honest about premarital sex with a future husband?

Question

When I was 16 years old, I had sex with my older male cousin. It was not consensual and I had always wanted to wait until I was married to have any sexual relations. after that day I fooled myself into thinking that if I continued to have a relationship with him and eventually married him then my sin would lessen. I remained in a relationship with him with 2 years. And in the rare times i saw him, I had sex with him. after years of verbal and physical abuse, I ended the relationship and have repented to Allah and asked for forgiveness, and pray that I am exonerated from this sin. I have not seen or heard from him in over 2 years.

That is my sexual history. No man has ever touched/kissed me since my cousin, nor will I let anyone until I am married.

My worry is now I am 21 and my parents are looking for a suitable partner for me. I want someone who is religious and encourages me to be more religious as well but I am worried once he knows about my past he will say no and spread rumors about me. (this could very well happen). With an arranged marriage it is tricky to know when is the right time to mention if one has had sex in the past. Should I be honest right away? Wait a few months into the engagement to mention it? Wait until after marriage? Or would it be permissible to not say anything about it altogether.

I am truly repentant of my mistakes and I am worried about it now more than ever.

Answer 1

I don't know where i have read before that woman and man should be honest to their fiancé(e) and tell them a lot of things such as birth deformities or maybe if they knew they were infertile... But as i couldn't backup this information now and then made a fast research and found on your matter fatwas with a very different statement then what i described before:

The Hadith narrated by abu Hurraira which @Battle Hawk quoted should be a guideline in your case, as my later references would confirm.

How to understand Verse (24:3)

All scholars say that a woman who had premarital sex and repent can marry any body (a chaste person). This is one major conclusion of the tafsir interpretation of the Verse in Surat an-Nur (24:3) if they don't repent such a marriage would be haram and considered as non valid.

So repenting is the most important step, as with that that person will be regarded as chaste and a person who repent from zina is no longer described as a fornicator or adulterer, and therefore the prohibition for him/her on marriage of a fornicator or adulterer no longer applies to him/her. On the other hand those fornicator who have been punished for zina are only allowed to marry fornicators because of this hadith.

conclusion

According to your statement you regretted what you have done and repented from it. Now you'll have/should or you are about to conceal your (past misconduct) and you'll not have to tell anybody about what you did before unless your future husband made it a condition that his wife should be a virgin (see this Arabic Fatwa)!

This is what i found in several fatwas (on zina/repentance and chastity) see for example here (also explaining the meaning of verse 24:3), here and in Arabic here.

May Allah guide you!

Answer 2

Abu Hurairah Radhiallaahu ta'ala anhu heard from our Prophet Sallallaahu 'alaihi wasallam that our Prophet Sallallaahu 'alaihi wasallam said:

All the people of my Ummah would get pardon for their sins except those who publicise them. And (it means) that a servant should do a deed during the night and tell the people in the morning that he has done so and so, whereas Allah has concealed it. And he does a deed during the day and when it is night he tells the people, whereas Allah has concealed it.

Sahih Muslim 2990

And for woman to have premarital sex should always be secret.

I think very few husbands can tolerate it if they heard about their wives had premarital sex.

Some may show indifference but in the end, there will most likely be a significant amount of change of their view towards their wives if the news of premarital sex are told to them.

But, you may tell, if you find your husbands nice and considerate.

But from my opinion, I would advice that you, my sister, conceal the secret for good (if possible) and do a lot of Tauba (Repentance).

There is no such sins that Allaah may not forgive because the our sins can't possibly exceeds his Mercy.

So, turn to Allaah and insha allaah, he will accept your Repentance.

Answer 3

Assalamualaikum, when I was 16 years old, I had sex with my older male cousin. It was not consensual and I had always wanted to wait until I was married to have any sexual relations.

First of all sister, that cousin of yours is a rapist. First he raped you then manipulated you into thinking that you have some kind of a future with him,he abused you in every way possible. Non-consensual sex is a rape, not premarital sex. Sister you are a victim here, that horrible human being abused and manipulated you, so there is no point feeling guilty, it's not your fault but his and his only. Allah is all knowing and all merciful, so you are forgiven Inshaallah.

And yes, you must tell your future husband about the affliction that you suffered. if he is a religious and mature person he will definitely understand and you two will come even more closer as a couple Inshaallah. Discussing with your husband will help you overcome this awful experience. May Allah help you find peace.

Read this article, I hope it help.

Answer 4

Oh no sister, don't tell your husband. in Islamic society virginity is seen as a virtue. not too many people will understand the complication of your past relationship. most of them will jump into the conclusion that it happened only because you allowed it. even after establishing a faithful relation with your husband, he won't see it as a matter to ignore. i m telling this because, when a society blames woman for getting rape, man refuses to marry her what different you think they/anyone would react listening to previous sexual history. just don't do it. leave it upon Allah. He will take care of your marital relation. when comes to peace of mind, give charity. feed the hungry. it has been said, good deeds like charity overpowers the ill hearted.