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I’ve been suffering since February but it’s never been as bad as it is now. I’m 99% sure I have OCD. I’ve been getting these weird feelings of shirk in my heart as well as frustrating thoughts in my head. I swear at myself to stop myself from saying/doing something stupid in my mind. I know that swearing is bad in Islam but I feel like it’s the only thing I can say to “snap me out of it“.

I am extremely scared I will curse Allah at one point or go astray, I don’t want to lose Allah and sometimes I feel like I am not even a Muslim anymore. I do my daily surahs and duas but at the back of my mind a voice keeps saying “you’re a hypocrite why are you even doing this still?“. I don’t want to swear at Allah or have these feelings of shirk in my heart. I’m aware this is wrong.

Sometimes I feel out of control and I’m slowly losing my memory. I can’t remember if I washed my feet or not. If I recited this specific surah or not. I can’t remember the most basic things any more when before I could. Some days I feel like giving up and Islam feels so overwhelming to me. I feel like Allah is mad at me and will never forgive me. I feel like I’m intentionally committing shirk or something internally but I don’t believe in anything besides Allah and His Messengers.

These weird feelings/thoughts come to me at the most trivial of times. For example, I could be watching a Twitch stream of a game and relaxing and something relating to shirk or cursing Allah will attack me and I freak out and I don’t know how to respond. So much anxiety loads in.

And when I wake up in the morning, I am constantly fighting this and I can’t even function properly or do basic human life things without killing myself. I don’t know if this is waswas or a medical condition but I have had normal waswas before and I handled it and it went away. But this is so mentally and internally spiritually frustrating making me feel like I’m doomed in Hell forever and that Allah will never forgive me. Or that, I’m a mushrik. I’m unworthy/don’t deserve anything. It’s so bad. I feel bad and like a complete psycho.

I confided in 2 friends of mine and they both think I have religious OCD. When I want to say “Alhamdulillah“ for something to Allah. My eyes will fall on a photo of a human or an object and it would feel like I said “Alhamdulillah“ to that person/thing. I repeat Dhikr/Duas so many times until it “feels right“ because I feel it’s inadequate or something.

I’m extremely scared that I will go astray. I don’t feel Muslim anymore. And I feel as if I’ll never find peace and that I’ve ruined my present life and my Akhira. I’m not sure if Allah forgives shirk but I’m not even sure what’s wrong with me. I cry so often and feel like absolutely worthless and like a piece of garbage just walking around with an empty soul.

Back when I was normal, I used to practice Islam so calmly and nicely and it used to give me a sense of closeness to Allah and tranquility. Now I don’t feel that anymore. Islam has become so hard for me although I know it’s not meant to be. I ask myself “was my imaan fake from the beginning?“ or “was me feeling this connection/tranquility with Allah fake?“ or “Was it real?“.

I don’t know how long I can go for. Some days are good and some days everything comes crumbling. I am also suffering from depression and anxiety. I observe everyone around me and everyone looks so happy and at peace with Islam. I think to myself “Why can’t I be like this too?“ and I fall into a pit of sadness. I am constantly fighting this ongoing battle of my Imaan, Shirk, swear words and uncertainty.

I really need some advice.

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As subjective advice, this might not be a proper answer, but it's too long for a comment, so here goes.

Stay strong. You're not a bad person. You're not worthless, a piece of garbage, or a complete psycho. You are a beautiful creation of Allah who is going through a tough time, and the fact that you recognize the problem and hope for a solution is a wonderful sign. As the all-Merciful Allah says in the Qur'an:

As for those who struggle in Our cause, We will surely guide them along Our Way. (al-Ankabut, 29:69)

First of all, understand where to point the blame. It's well known that the waswas and persistent doubts are one of the tools used by Shaytan, especially for believers that would not be normally tempted to commit sins. If these satanic whispers are affecting your peace of mind, why direct your outrage towards to victim of the whispers rather than the cause? Point the blame at him for attacking you, not at yourself for getting attacked.

"I don’t feel muslim anymore. And I feel as if I’ll never find peace and that I’ve ruined my present life and my Akhira."

This is a perfect example of the type of thinking Shaytan would want you to have. See how he cunningly he tricks practicing Muslims to move away from the religion? It's one of his plots, and he is an expert at it. Don't blame yourself for being the victim of his tactics (he goes after everyone) or for feeling susceptible to them (you are not weak; he is very, very good at it). Remember, you are a beautiful creation of Allah. Shaytan is just a desparate, angry whisperer. Don't believe a word of it: you are a Muslim, you will find peace, and you have not ruined your present life or your Akhirah.

Which leads us to the next point: if Shaytan is the source of the doubt and misgivings, then we can see a possible solution to eliminate those feelings. When you feel those "weird feelings of shirk in my heart as well as frustrating thoughts in [your] head", don't resort to swearing or cursing to get them away. Why not try seeking Allah's refuge from Shaytan instead?

"And if you are tempted by Satan, then seek refuge with Allah. Indeed, He [alone] is the All-Hearing, All-Knowing." (al-Fussilat, 41:36)

Certainly Allah is Powerful enough to protect you from satanic whispers, and Merciful enough to welcome you when you turn to Him pleading for help. All you have to do is seek His refuge and place your trust in Him. He won't forsake you if you turn to Him!

This struggle will be hard because the enemy is very skilled, but please be persistent and hopeful, and take Allah as your Wali (Protector/Friend/Guide).

Allah is the Guardian of the believers—He brings them out of darkness and into light. [al-Baqarah, 2:257)

Remind yourself of His Love, and motivate yourself by thinking of trying to please Him (and He is pleased easily!). You might find some of the videos by Ali Reza Panahian to be helpful for you.

All the best!

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  • Nice answer. Helpful. +1 Commented May 12, 2022 at 19:57

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