I’ve been suffering since February but it’s never been as bad as it is now. I’m 99% sure I have OCD. I’ve been getting these weird feelings of shirk in my heart as well as frustrating thoughts in my head. I swear at myself to stop myself from saying/doing something stupid in my mind. I know that swearing is bad in Islam but I feel like it’s the only thing I can say to “snap me out of it“.
I am extremely scared I will curse Allah at one point or go astray, I don’t want to lose Allah and sometimes I feel like I am not even a Muslim anymore. I do my daily surahs and duas but at the back of my mind a voice keeps saying “you’re a hypocrite why are you even doing this still?“. I don’t want to swear at Allah or have these feelings of shirk in my heart. I’m aware this is wrong.
Sometimes I feel out of control and I’m slowly losing my memory. I can’t remember if I washed my feet or not. If I recited this specific surah or not. I can’t remember the most basic things any more when before I could. Some days I feel like giving up and Islam feels so overwhelming to me. I feel like Allah is mad at me and will never forgive me. I feel like I’m intentionally committing shirk or something internally but I don’t believe in anything besides Allah and His Messengers.
These weird feelings/thoughts come to me at the most trivial of times. For example, I could be watching a Twitch stream of a game and relaxing and something relating to shirk or cursing Allah will attack me and I freak out and I don’t know how to respond. So much anxiety loads in.
And when I wake up in the morning, I am constantly fighting this and I can’t even function properly or do basic human life things without killing myself. I don’t know if this is waswas or a medical condition but I have had normal waswas before and I handled it and it went away. But this is so mentally and internally spiritually frustrating making me feel like I’m doomed in Hell forever and that Allah will never forgive me. Or that, I’m a mushrik. I’m unworthy/don’t deserve anything. It’s so bad. I feel bad and like a complete psycho.
I confided in 2 friends of mine and they both think I have religious OCD. When I want to say “Alhamdulillah“ for something to Allah. My eyes will fall on a photo of a human or an object and it would feel like I said “Alhamdulillah“ to that person/thing. I repeat Dhikr/Duas so many times until it “feels right“ because I feel it’s inadequate or something.
I’m extremely scared that I will go astray. I don’t feel Muslim anymore. And I feel as if I’ll never find peace and that I’ve ruined my present life and my Akhira. I’m not sure if Allah forgives shirk but I’m not even sure what’s wrong with me. I cry so often and feel like absolutely worthless and like a piece of garbage just walking around with an empty soul.
Back when I was normal, I used to practice Islam so calmly and nicely and it used to give me a sense of closeness to Allah and tranquility. Now I don’t feel that anymore. Islam has become so hard for me although I know it’s not meant to be. I ask myself “was my imaan fake from the beginning?“ or “was me feeling this connection/tranquility with Allah fake?“ or “Was it real?“.
I don’t know how long I can go for. Some days are good and some days everything comes crumbling. I am also suffering from depression and anxiety. I observe everyone around me and everyone looks so happy and at peace with Islam. I think to myself “Why can’t I be like this too?“ and I fall into a pit of sadness. I am constantly fighting this ongoing battle of my Imaan, Shirk, swear words and uncertainty.
I really need some advice.