I was wondering if anyone has any advice for me. Out of nowhere, I triggered a shirk type of OCD in my mind. Since then , I keep feeling like I’m committing shirk in my heart and mind. Sometimes it feels intentional like I did it myself and other times I can’t differentiate. I keep doing this and now I just feel absolutely nothing. I feel like there’s no point in returning to Allah and that all my deeds have been rendered vain.
I don’t believe in anything besides Allah and His Messengers but now I’m wondering I’m going to be cast into Hell. Am I doomed? I don’t know why I keep doing this. I feel like Allah won’t forgive me because of how many times i’m doing this. I don’t feel anything anymore. I feel empty.
There’s a part of me telling myself “ don’t worry, you don’t believe in any of it “ and the other half of me is saying “ I’ve committed shirk in my heart and mind, you need to repent “ I don’t know which side to lean towards. I still make Dua and everything but I feel like I’m not even a Muslim anymore because of this. It all started with shirk thoughts but now I feel like I’m committing it in my heart and mind when I know it’s false and not true and I don’t accept it.
Each time I close my eyes, I feel like I’m intentionally committing shirk. My heart feels weird. Sometimes when I’m saying “Asatgfirallah” I forget what I’m saying “Asatgfirallah” for. Like, I can’t remember what I did. It’s like my mind goes blank.
I’m now wondering if Allah hates me or something. I am constantly renewing my Shahada and I can’t seem to find any peace. When I repent, I feel like my repentance isn’t sincere or valid. Sometimes, I don’t even have the strength to say Shahada, it seems like a major sport. I don’t have strength to seek forgiveness, it feels so overwhelming and I say to Allah “I don’t know anymore” It feels like saying shahada and saying astagfirallah is so hard and requires so much effort, that I don’t have anymore.
Does anyone have any advice please?