What is the role of the brother in the family once the father is dead?

Question

Backstory:

Until fairly recently, my family used to be a very good one; an example to society of what a good functioning muslim family looks like. Me and my sister were doing extremely well in school and my father had a good job. However, a couple of years ago my father passed away and since then all hell has broken loose. My sister has become even worse than European women, indulging in every sin and even going as far as hitting (!) my mother regularly. The problem is, when I decide to take action against my sister (in place of my father, since now I am the only man in the family), my mother gets extremely mad and she has even kicked me out of the house because of this. It seems as if my mother, in her disability to cope with the situation, is acting out all of her emotions on me. This is slowly ruining my life; I've lost my sleep, my mother and sister but hate me, I sometimes literally have to sleep outside with nothing but Allah to protect me, and it's gotten to the point that I just see no possible solution in sight. It's also affecting my behaviour; because of the insomnia and depression my grades are going down and I'm becoming very intolerant and antisocial. The only solution I see is just going to a foreign country to go to university there (for physics) and leave everything here behind.

Questions:

• In a fatherless family, what is the role of the (oldest) brother according to Islam (In my case I'm the only brother)? Should I replace my father?

• What would your advice be to my situation (in accordance with Islam)? It seems I'm really trapped perpetually.

p.s. - I am Sunni

Answer 1

Your sister will be judged for her sins. Out of your love for your sister, you may want to advice her to refrain from these actions. But in the end, if she chooses to deviate from the path pointed out by Allah, and you have tried to educate her, then she alone is responsible.

Regarding violence, you should protect you family against violence, that means interfering such occasions (which I believe you do). But do not incur violence in the mean time (don't hit your sister back e.g.), for Allah loveth not the aggressors.

وَقَاتِلُوا فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ الَّذِينَ يُقَاتِلُونَكُمْ وَلَا تَعْتَدُوا ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُحِبُّ الْمُعْتَدِينَ
Sahih International
Fight in the way of Allah those who fight you but do not transgress. Indeed. Allah does not like transgressors.
2:190

As to whether you can do anything forceful to your sister (e.g drive her out), I'm not sure. I postulate it is the house owner's decision.

I cannot provide you with reference on the elder son's role after father's death, but I will try my best to give you some suggestions as in your second question.

• Do not lose hope. Losing hope is a sin.

  قَالُوا بَشَّرْنَاكَ بِالْحَقِّ فَلَا تَكُن مِّنَ الْقَانِطِينَ
  Sahih International
  They said, "We have given you good tidings in truth, so do not be of the despairing."
  15:55

  قَالَ وَمَن يَقْنَطُ مِن رَّحْمَةِ رَبِّهِ إِلَّا الضَّالُّونَ
  Sahih International
  He said, "And who despairs of the mercy of his Lord except for those astray?"
  15:56

• Be pious and patient.

  وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ ۚ وَإِنَّهَا لَكَبِيرَةٌ إِلَّا عَلَى الْخَاشِعِينَ
  Sahih International
  And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah ]
  2:45

  يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ مَعَ الصَّابِرِينَ
  Sahih International
  O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.
  2:153

• I want to correct you that you are not trapped perpetually. Please try to understand from heart that life is a test, and Allah tests you no more than what you can bare.

  يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لَيَبْلُوَنَّكُمُ اللَّهُ بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الصَّيْدِ تَنَالُهُ أَيْدِيكُمْ وَرِمَاحُكُمْ لِيَعْلَمَ اللَّهُ مَن يَخَافُهُ بِالْغَيْبِ ۚ فَمَنِ اعْتَدَىٰ بَعْدَ ذَٰلِكَ فَلَهُ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمٌ
  Sahih International
  O you who have believed, Allah will surely test you through something of the game that your hands and spears [can] reach, that Allah may make evident those who fear Him unseen. And whoever transgresses after that - for him is a painful punishment.
  5:94

• Placing more emphasis on the current life more than the hereafter is a common source of stress/sorrow/misdeeds. That being said, do care for the people you love, protect your mother and devote to your family as much as you can.

• Do not deviate from the righteous path. Maintain your prayer at perfect timings, and prayer for guidance of your sister and well-being of your mother.

And Allah knows the best.

Answer 2

I'm sorry to hear that. May Allah help you.

I don't recommend you to file for domestic violence or anything. You need to escalate things only when needed.

• If she's hitting your mother then that means she needs therapy. Perhaps a very good amount of therapy. Her behavior is abnormal.
• The problem is, when I decide to take action against my sister (in place of my father, since now I am the only man in the family), my mother gets extremely mad and she has even kicked me out of the house because of this. What does 'take action' mean? It's very vague. But I'm guessing your idea is that if she's hitting your mother then you should use more force. Let me tell you something.
• When a person is the most wrong, then there are 2 very different things:
  • The punishment for what they've done. The punishment should be severe.
  • The delicate, kind and polite admonishment that you need to do. If you seek punishment then the wrongdoer is likely not to learn how to correct themselves. Punishment is might only be effective if you've tried every other polite way.

Islam always values forgiveness over punishment.

Aside from that from a pure religious perspective you still have to look after your sister/mother. Their behavior does not free you from your duty. Just like a father who's never relieved from the duties he has towards a disobedient child. Aside from that if you don't force yourself upon them then they might just understand your value and come after you themselves.

Last but not least. Likely you will need to get therapy as well. I'm married and have kids but there are many things that I don't know about women. Getting help on family issues from a profession or experienced community member is always helpful. You're no exception!

Answer 3

Please be patient with your sister. She is lost more than you are as to how to handle life without father being around. You can not change her behavior overnight. Give her love, do special things for her, treat her with her favorite food and other items and get her a pet if possible. Make her understand you and your mother love her. Not by words, with your actions. Make home a place where she can rest, where she can have peace of mind, where she can live with respect. DO not confront her, make her realize that family is better than her so called friends outside. You must present yourself as some one she can trust more than her friends outside. Give her some time. Guide her patiently with a smile and affection in your voice. Do not force her to do things your way. Do not, I repeat, do not argue with her. Being the man of the house, it is your responsibility to create a peaceful environment in the house by refraining from arguments, fights and explosive behaviors. As for your mother, help her with daily chores, make her comfortable and make her feel that she needs not worry about your behavior. Above all, be humble, be patient and give it time, a lot of time. Things will Insha Allah get a lot better. Just takes time.