In 2018, when I gave my first interview I fell in love at first sight with the person who was taking interview without any wrong intentions. Let me tell you one thing here that I used to be a very religious person and literally I promised to myself before starting my professional career that I will never indulge myself in these activities as Allah don’t like these things. But it was all of a sudden and I didn’t mean to do that but it happened. More interestingly I didn’t know his name and any bio data, etc.
Say it my bad or good luck I got job there and I was very happy that I will see him now.
This emotion of love began its nourishment by each passing day and I was completely hopeless.
He was a middle-aged person and I was very young at that time.
Soon, he too got to know that I had a feeling for him but he neither say anything nor tell his friends.
One good thing from my side was that I didn’t try to develop any relationship with him even our talk was meant to be so much extremely formal due to my efforts . But one bad thing from my side was that I was unable to lower my gaze even though I knew it was not allowed in Islam to see a Na mehram with bad intentions even you love him. I remembered that I used to daily made commitment with myself that I will not do such thing but whenever I listened his voice upon his coming I used to forget everything.
Whenever I saw him under this feeling of love he used to lower his gaze which made me more inclined towards him as I took him as a good person giving respect to woman but as well as a lot of embarrassment and guilt as at that time I thought he is a gentleman. And one day I finally decided to stop seeing him due to my guilt and his kind behaviour but only see him at time of formal discussions and meetings without any this disgusting feeling of love. Even I decided to stop seeing his picture on facebook. As you all know when you decide to eradicate bad things from life for sake of goodwill of yours and others things began to become good so happened to me. And in one week my heart began to get in control and a time came when nothing disgusting feeling of love appear in my heart and mind whenever I saw him even we were alone. I remembered he too was astonished on not seeing him with the feeling of love. Although his love was still in my heart. But I was very happy as guilt was away from my life.
But that was not the end of story. Strange and disgusting things began to happen from his side which I was not expecting from his side even in my dreams. He began to advance towards me. He used to see me disgustingly. Often, he came to my desk without any reason seeing me badly. There was a desk of most senior employee besides me and he too was shocked what was happened to him. He used to call me in his cabin frequently without any reason. This thing happened for two weeks then I do a little drama. I too stare him with affection to know what is running in his hypocrite mind. And that day, he showed up his evil side for the first time. His intentions were to time pass and flirt with me and also to have a affair with me during office time. It was the most miserable day of my life. Which I will never forgot even on memory loss and after death. But I became strong and gave him shut up call due to which he became very afraid and he began to conspiring against me. Not only he began to harass me openly. Also, He began to spread very disgusting things about me like about my financial background and even about my religion practices. Used to appear a very rude boss in-front of whole office. But used to be very flirt in alone. Made me stay late at office. I remembered that whole office became vacant and only me and he left at office. Gave me increment at my fifth month making me questionable in front of everyone. At last he made whole office against me due to which I got serious depression as everyone took me as a bad character girl. I stayed at hospital for ten days due to this serious depression. My family get me rid out of this hell and my father took resignation letter from him.
But the truth is I still love him. My heart still wants to see him. I too hate myself every time whenever I think about him that how could I love such a bad person who didn’t even think about my respect and kept himself busy in making conspiracy against me.
Please somebody tell me what should I do as religiously it is not allowed to see a na mehram and also I can’t marry him. Am I allowed to see his picture just to relax my heart or not. I want to get rid of this disgusting feeling of love. What should I do?