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My question is what is stated above. But I feel that I need to give an idea of the situation I am in, so that context can be understood. But these matters are not black and white, they are rather complicated. I need to know the islamic guidance on this?

Because the Holy prophet Muhammad (SAW) showed patience to people who came to kill him on one hand, and also fought wars on the other hand. So I am confused about whether I should tell the abuser that I am capable of standing up to him, or should I just bear it and leave it to Allah?


Context:

My mother was widowed when I was less then 6 months old and my brother was less than two years old. My mother worked as a teacher all her life to raise us without support from any other person. Now I am around 30 years old, and work away from home, and visit family on weekends and a 15 days or monthly leave in a year. Three years ago, my brother showed interest in wanting to get married in this family, and my mother got him married there. I am witness that my mother did not buy me things in these three years but always bought my brother stuff she wanted. She bore all their expenses. She never asked her to do household work or put any kind of restrictions or anything. She is well aware of married woman's rights after marriage.

However, my mother has spent an extremely difficult life before marriage, after marriage and then after my father passed away. People in our city give example of my mother's strong and pious character mashaAllah. She has always been mashaAllah quite religious. However, there is one weakness. She can not keep things inside her, and has a habit of sharing everything which hurts her, with her colleagues and members of extended family. She used to tell my aunts that i am not a good daughter as I talk back to her. She used to say that my brother is a good son because he doesn't concentrate on his studies. We grew up like that.

But my brother's wife apparently (judged from day to day behavior) came to this house with enmosity for all in-laws except husband (bread earner), and tactics, like uttering such dialogues in public like she is mother Teresa but actually nothing like that in her actions. And fainting and becoming sick etc whenever she sees husband giving attention to someone else. A lot of tactics. And the medical reports would always come normal. And she would say that these hospitals are corrupt. They are not giving correct reports. Then went to another doctor and then another. But reportedly never consumed meds from those doctors. I used to believe her but now after observing her everyday actions, I believe like 90% that she is creating drama all the time.

So we went on Umrah in 2017, sponsored by my mother for me, my brother, his baby and his wife. On the first day, she said that I have heart issue and her mother created the same hysteria that she has heart problem; just because I said that it is most obviously their plan, and there is no issue with the food. It is a planned issue-creating behavior. At that point my brother started shouting and would come at me again and again to beat me, and my mother would continuously tell me to keep quiet and let them shout at me and my mother, because otherwise he would beat me and it would create a show for the wife and her mother, just what they were waiting for. I and my mother spent the rest of 15 days mostly in mosque.

After that my mother told my brother to keep his family on separate floor in the house and stay separate from her. As she does not want to face it again.

Fast forward to now, this Ramadan a scene like that was created again and my brother threw on the floor the food from my mother's table and kept shouting at her. He blames us for his wife's abortion although his wife spends entire day in gym or market or somewhere and when at home she stays in her room (which my mother tells me was self induced, and i have observed that my brother's wife is very capable of that kind of thing, I am talking logically here, i have observed things. She is too much into medicine and self medication and blames doctors when they don't prescribe medicines she wants). My mother broke her fast on water that day. It is pertinent to mention that this house we all live in is my mother's from her own life-long savings and all that food and living expense is born by my mother from the little she has.

After that, my mother told him to take his wife and live on the first floor of the house, separate from her. After a few days, she said to me that our house is the right of my brother alone as inheritance and my mother should give me separate money as inheritance, and mixed up, continuously changing statements. Also, reportedly, her father gave like 2% of the his own father's inheritance, to his own sister.

Last night he came back again shouting that no matter what he and his wife do to my mother we must not tell anyone in our extended family. That my mother was backbiting about his wife to extended family. But his wife does do conspiracies. Is my mother's only job to bear violence from son she raised and not tell anyone of his and his wife's true character? And kept threatening that he will kill us and kill our extended family and he will break my head off. And I told him that his wife does not do any kind of work and is always free and playing politics. I also told him that he is useless and his wife does not know how to write a simple computer program and claims to be a software developer. I told him that if anything happens to me, people at my work know and he will not live freely after. I also told him to get lost and keep his family separate, safe, if his wife is in such a danger with us. I also said things like go to hell and you're a loser.

On multiple occasions, I have told him that if his beloved wife is in so much torture and danger with us, if his children are in danger, then why is he living with us? Why doesn't he live in a separate house (which he is authorized by his job, but a small house is authorized compared to what he is living in).

My mother is continously blaming me that why did I say those things to him. She is saying I did not follow the Holy prophet SAW in showing patience. Why did I stood up to his abuse and violence. Allah will not help me because I did not leave the matter to Allah. But I took this abuse and violence all my life. I took his about-to-beat-me and shout-at-me-and-my-mother while hugging his wife and wife's mother right in front of me. Why should I behave like a damsel in distress? Why shouldn't I contact my brother's seniors at work and ask them to give him house so that this drama can move out of our house? Why should we be continuously intimidated and coerced by this kind of people?

What does islam teach me to do in such a situation? Are there any examples like that from the life of Holy prophet SAW?

1

Allah says:

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالْإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

Verily, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving to relatives and he forbids immorality and bad conduct and transgression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded.

Surat An-Nahl 16:90

And, in the final sermon of the prophet (saw) in the Farewell Hajj, he (saw) said, as reported in Bukhari and Muslim,

فَإِنَّ دِمَاءَكُمْ وَأَمْوَالَكُمْ وَأَعْرَاضَكُمْ عَلَيْكُمْ حَرَامٌ كَحُرْمَةِ يَوْمِكُمْ هَذَا فِي شَهْرِكُمْ هَذَا فِي بَلَدِكُمْ هَذَا فَلْيُبَلِّغْ الشَّاهِدُ الْغَائِبَ “Indeed, your blood, your properties, and your honor are sacred to one another like the sanctity of this day of yours, in this month of yours, in this (sacred) town (Mecca) of yours, so let the attender inform the absentee.”

And Allah says in surah al Isra':

And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, not shout at them, but address them in terms of honour. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small. [al-Isra 17:23-24].

Al-Baghawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: This means not saying anything that may contain the slightest hint of irritation. [The word uff in the aayah, translated here as a word of disrepect] (from islamqa.info).

So, the honor of a Muslim is sacred, and even more so for the parents, and speaking to them disrespectfully is a sin, much more so abusing them:

Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Disparaging a Muslim is an act of wickedness, and fighting him is an act of unbelief.”

So its clear and beyond doubt that anyone abusing his or her parent(s) has committed a great sin in Islam, and this leads to what the prophet (saw) commanded in dealing with evil:

Abu Sa’id al-Khudri reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever among you sees evil, let him change it with his hand. If he is unable to do so, then with his tongue. If he is unable to do so, then with his heart, and that is the weakest level of faith.”

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 49

That is, if this man committed these acts against the your mother, it is obligatory to stand up to it and prevent it, even by force, and there is no "leaving matters to Allah". In fact, if someone were to get killed defending his mother from abuse, he or she would be one of the categories of martyr:

It was narrated in Musnad Ahmed bin Hanbal that Messenger of Allah (saw) said,

ومن قتل دون مظلمته فهو شهيد “He who dies in defending against the oppression is martyr”.

Fighting (physically, by force) the abuser is known as (قتال الصَّيال), fighting the one who violates the sanctities of Muslims, and is obligatory - unless it would lead to greater harm, in which case it is still permissible. (You should look into the subject of enjoining the good and forbidding the evil for more information about what exactly applies to your situation regarding avoiding greater harm).

If preventing this man physically is not possible, then he should be spoken to harshly to prevent his actions, as Allah says:

An-Nisa' 4:148

لَّا يُحِبُّ ٱللَّهُ ٱلْجَهْرَ بِٱلسُّوٓءِ مِنَ ٱلْقَوْلِ إِلَّا مَن ظُلِمَۚ وَكَانَ ٱللَّهُ سَمِيعًا عَلِيمًا

Allah does not like that the evil should be uttered in public except by him who has been wronged. And Allah is Ever All-Hearer, All-Knower.

You should ask for help from others in your family or community in doing that, and it would be obligatory on them to help if you were unable to stand up to him.

Finally, the dua of the opressed is always answered:

اتَّقُوا دَعْوَةَ الْمَظْلُومِ وَإِنْ كَانَ كَافِرًا فَإِنَّهُ لَيْسَ دُونَهَا حِجَابٌ

Beware of the supplication of the oppressed, even if he is an unbeliever, for there is no barrier between it and Allah.

Source: Musnad Aḥmad 12140, Grade: Sahih

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

دَعْوَةُ الْمَظْلُومِ مُسْتَجَابَةٌ وَإِنْ كَانَ فَاجِرًا فَفُجُورُهُ عَلَى نَفْسِهِ

The supplication of the oppressed is answered, even if he is wicked for his wickedness is only against himself.

Source: Musnad Aḥmad 8577, Grade: Sahih

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  • Jazak Allah khair – Shy Jul 12 at 18:25

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