This Ramadan I am reading namaz and taraweeh . But recently I got bad words about my parents in my mind . Then the very next I got bad words about Allah... I am crying every day.. I just made a cut on my finger to make me away from the thoughts . And I am not giving up namaz and I cry and repent every second in namaz for using such bad things in my mind for Allah and my parents .. but I really don't know whether I really used such words but the thoughts hunt me every second .. I want myself to be dead .. I don't know what to do ?? Please help mee...
First of all, do not harm yourself or think about killing yourself, Allah is the one who gives life and takes life. You felt bad the moment you 'thought' about it and you repented and even if you said it at loud,if you sincerely repent to Allah, Allah will still forgive you.
Allah is The Most Merciful, The Entirely Merciful and it's the month of Ramadan, Allah is even more Merciful, there is no limit. Allah will forgive you if you mean it, Allah knows what is in our heart, may Allah make us from those that will repent even if it wasn't said out loud and to protect ourselves from self-harm.
Ask Allah to forgive you and to protect you and your family from all those bad thoughts or actions that satan gives you. And lastly, never lose hope in Allah, by hurting yourself you're listening to satan and what satan wants from us is nothing good.
I will say it again, Have hope in Allah, Allah is the greatest and wishes nothing but good for all of humanity. I recommend you to watch some inspirational videos on youtube for example a channel called FreeQuranEducation, that will give you even more hope. And if you would like do tesbih before sleeping to give you even more energy for the next day and also pleases Allah.
And thank Allah for giving you the ability to have the feeling of guilt and acknowledging that you did something bad (whereas you did not say it out loud Alhamdulillah) and to protect your tongue and mind from ever uttering or saying such bad words.
I will say it again so remember this; Allah knows what is in your and our heart, Allah will forgive you, because Allah is The Most Merciful have hope in Allah even if something bad happens thank Allah because this is all a test for us to go to Jannah. The words you had in your mind if they were said out loud and you still sincerely repented Allah would have still forgiven you. O Changer of the hearts, make our heart firm upon Your religion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6izGDKkfF_Y be sure to watch this.
I ask Allah to help you get out of this emotionally unstable state and not to be depressed. A way that can help is to see what Allah has given us and blessed us with, so much that we don't deserve but He is The Most Merciful, do you see how Glorious Allah is? Have hope in Allah. Allah knows if your believe and reliance upon Him was great before this but after this..It will be even greater, Look at all of the names of Allah and make your believe in Allah more and more greater.
May Allah grant us all Jannah Al-Firdaous, amin.