Salam. I was brought up in a very toxic family. Brought up by toxic parents. Especially my father. My mother was toxic due to her stress. My father was very toxic due to his personality. He is a narcissist. And I'm not angrily typing this. This is just what i have realized as i have grown up. For years i have been mentally abused by my father. At certain moments even beaten. My father basically uses me as a scapegoat. He blames me for everything and than yells at me. He has beaten me severely with belts. One time he literally beat me up with punches like in UFC (not kidding). That was when i was 14. When i became older he stopped beating me, but he still screamed at me every single day. And as a response i disrespected him. I talk back whenever he screams at me. I have a lot of anger in me. I am really angry with my father. I want to forgive him, but i can't deny my inner built-up anger.
I was a practicing Muslim as a teenager. Praying everyday. Reciting Qur'an, making dua everyday. Thanking Allah. Etc... At the age of 16 i got cancer, which made me suffer a lot. Even than, i would always thank Allah, and even go to the Mosque at fajr time, without my parents knowing it. This was before my surgery.
For years i tried to make up with my father. Trying to change who i am. As a young teenager i tried to be mature and not fight with my father. I even asked him to forgive me several times. But he never did. Even before my surgery for my cancer i asked my mother to convince him to forgive me. Because i couldn't ask him myself anymore. Never got any confirmation of forgiveness.
Trying to make up and solve a toxic relationship with a man 30 years older than you, while you're a teenager is obviously unrealistic and never worked out. Even though i tried all my best.
I have lost faith in myself. And i feel that i cannot be a good Muslim. At the age if 19, I have even attempted to commit suicide. I hanged myself on a doorhandle with a rope. I was choking and becoming dizzy, and i was loosing my sight due to suffocation. The second before passing out, i remembered that this is severally haram and could get me into hell. So i managed to pull myself upright before passing out and dying. Based on the reaction of my body, i nearly escaped death.
I have a stressful life. Every day I'm stressed. I have never got the chance to be kid. Which i find really sad.
In order to be a good Muslim, Allah has to be pleased with you. If Allah is displeased with you, you cannot be a good Muslim.
My parents are displeased with me. It's obvious. I am a burden to them. I sadly don't even have a healthy relationship with them. They're always displeased with me and complaining about me whenever they mention me. The prophet(saw) said that Allah is not pleased with a person of whom one of his parents, or both, are displeased with him. I've thus felt for years that Allah is not pleased with me at all. I know that as a human i can never really know what Allah thinks of me, but i still feel He is displeased with me, because my parents are displeased with me.
I cannot have a relationship with Allah "knowing" or feeling that He is angry with me. It has come to the point that i cannot even make a simple dua. It's like you cannot even talk to a person, because you know the person is angry with you. So, you let it be, as you can do nothing about it. A dua is almost impossible for me, let alone prayer and all the rest.
This has blocked me from being a Muslim. I want to be, but i can't. I know Allah is forgiving and merciful. But whenever i get thoughts from shaytaan telling me that Allah is angry with me (because my parents are angry with me), than i have no counter argument. Because i know shaytaan is practically right in this case.
Does anyone have a "counter argument"? Can anyone give me any response to get me out of this intellectual blockage?
Sorry for the very long text btw. Thanks for reading. Shukran wa Salam.