Salamalaikum to everyone. I’ll just get straight to the point it’s a bit long so I’ll try and keep it short. I am 21 years old and converted to Islam a few years ago. Everything was amazing, I felt free and liberated. Everyone congratulated me and welcomed me into Islam but no one actually stuck around to help. I tried to learn on my own but it was more difficult than I had anticipated. I then started to fall back into old habits (things I was familiar with before Islam) I felt guilty but I couldn’t stop my self.
A few years down the line I rekindled a relationship from my past with a Muslim man. We love each other deeply and wanted to repent and start life on a clean slate as husband and wife. Everything was going well except the occasional fighting and arguments here and there. But at the end of the day he was encouraging me to learn how to pray and be a better Muslim so we can complete our deen and live happily as husband and wife. I fasted during Ramadan and tried my best with my prayers. But I could see he was getting frustrated with the fact that I wasn’t really finding it easy to learn. I was teaching my self but I understood where he came from and I could see he too was trying. When it came time for the nikkah we were both happy, but it was unfortunately postponed due to family issues arising.
A few months later we had a huge fight and weren’t really speaking to each other. I had told him that we needed to sort the reasons we were always fighting and suggested things like getting elders involved so there is a less bias conclusion and we can openly talk. He didn’t agree with this. A few weeks passed by and he gave me the news that the nikkah has been arranged and all that was left was for me to attend! I wasn’t happy because we still had not sorted out our differences. But he was adamant that none of that would matter after the nikkah. But for me personally I said I don’t want to enter a marriage with unresolved issues still lingering. Which then made him give me an ultimatum of if you don’t marry me then we will never get married. This broke my heart because I felt conflicted. In the midst of anger I chose the latter which resulted in further destruction.
A couple of months went by and he advised me that he had moved on, which i accepted but in the moment of hurt and anger I committed zina with someone and as the result of this zina I am now bearing a child. I cry everyday and feel guilty everyday. I didn’t want this child but I couldn’t bare the thought of abortion. I did the deed and it’s not any fault of this innocent life that Allah swt has created. I had nightmares about what would happen. I decided that my fate has been chosen and deal with it. I am almost due. And a few weeks ago my old partner had called and we talked and he asked if the rumours were true and I admitted it was. This seemed to break his heart but it broke mine more. Because I was telling the man that I deeply love and believe to be my soulmate that I was bearing a child even though we had repented and wanted to build a family together. He said he would be there as a friend but he ignored my calls now and I can’t blame him.
My apologies this is really long but I have no where to turn to. I have no family or friends I only had him and I don’t anymore. I am alone and I just want to pray and I feel sad because I can’t even do that. I want to raise my child islamically but I want to marry the man that I was supposed to.
I need advice what can I do ? Thanks for your time and advice