Assalamualikum brother and sister,
I am so ashamed to ask for a solution to my problem, but, I hope I can get an answer.
When I was like around 12 years old, I was sexually harrassed by a married man. That time, I didn't knew anthing about sex or about kissing. So, I was harrassed for a few months and I never protested or pushed away that man because I didn't knew what he was doing to me. The only that I knew was that I hated what he was doing to me.
After a few years after the sexual harrassment, I got to know about sex and began to regreat everything that he did to me. I began to feel unpure. We never had sex or he never saw me naked. But, he did touched me and that made me feel so impure that I couldn't stop himself from doing those things to me becasue I didnt know what he was doing to me.
After that, I began to get high sexual urges. I tried to stop myself but, I had friends who would read books contained with mature scene. I began to read books with mature scene and my sexual urges began to rise more. I didn't wanted to have sex before marriage as it is haram, so I began to write books where I wrote highly sexual scenes. I even watched videos with high mature scene.
A few months after I wrote those books and published it in only under my pen name, I felt guilty and I stopped writting those books. I even stopped watching those mature scene videos and I kept myself busy which is why I stopped having such urges.
But recently, I am 18 and even though I am busy, I get really sexual urges. I don't want to commit the sin of having sex before marriage, but, I don't want to get married right now. I know that marraige is a solution but i feel like i am too young for marriage and I feel so impure and ashamed of myself. I even feel like when i get married in future, Insha Allah, my husband might hate me.
I don't know what to do,so, it would be helpful if you have answer for me.