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Assalamulaikum,

I have been married to my husband for almost 7 years, we got married in Pakistan and live in the UK. Despite having a pretty normal and supportive relationship, with all its highs and lows, we still haven't been able to consummate our marriage. This is mainly due to psychosomatic condition that I have, and unfortunately my husband is suffering because of me as well.

I sometimes think that we haven't been able to consummate this marriage because I might not want to have children with him, when he desperately wants them. I have suggested that we adopt a child, but he doesn't want that either.

I have suggested several times to him that we part our ways in a friendly and civilised manner, so that he can get married to someone who wants the same as him and he can consummate his marriage, as I feel that he shouldn't be suffering because of me. I want him to be happy, and have children of his own, which I know , wouldn't be possible with me. I have tried medical/ psychological/ physical therapies for years, but nothings seems to work for me.

My husband has made it clear that he doesn't want to leave me or re-married, but I feel guilty for bad for him to be in a sex less marriage. I think it would be the best thing for him and me to leave me. I feel that if after all these years, I still haven't got better with him, maybe we just aren't meant to be.

Furthermore, as we are progressing in our marriage, he is getting me more involved in the family politics (we are also cousins) which is scaring me and having a bad effect on our relationship, as well as the relationship with my parents and siblings. Most arguments and conversations are now about this, rather than us a couple, which I am getting sick of.

I think it would be best if we part our ways but how do I go about this?

Jazakallah khair for reading.

closed as off-topic by UmH, Rebecca J. Stones, goldPseudo Mar 16 '18 at 19:23

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    Welcome to Islam SE. Islam.SE is not a peer support group. Questions of this nature will most likely be closed. Please refer to help center, and help center. In addition, please refer to How to Ask, and take a tour in our help center. On another note, do not be more royalist than the king. If your husband does not want to leave you, why seek it when perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good 4:19. – III-AK-III Mar 15 '18 at 11:07
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Khul' and the necessary conditions to make it legal

The basis for khul' are verse (2:229):

... . But if you fear that they will not keep [within] the limits of Allah , then there is no blame upon either of them concerning that by which she ransoms herself. These are the limits of Allah , so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits of Allah - it is those who are the wrongdoers.

and the story of the wife of Thabit ibn Qays (see for example in sahih al-Bukhari).

From these sources scholars concluded a couple of reasons to make khul' legal:

  • If the wife hates her husband (not because a bad manners)
  • If the husband keeps his wife just to leave her not marry somebody else, even if there's no conjugal life between both.
  • If the husband has bad manners or acts badly with his wife.
  • If the wife fears committing a sin by not giving her husband his rights.
  • If the wife experienced damages (physical, psychological etc.) but they couldn't find a solution.

So if any of these conditions apply a woman or wife is allowed to go to the shari'a court and ask for khul' from her husband.

In your case -in my understanding- the point of "fears committing a sin by not giving her husband his rights for conjugal life" may apply.

But note that in case that your husband loves/likes you and you like him and he is happy with the situation you would certainly be sinning as in this case a talaq or khul' is hardly permissible. As this could be counted as a divorce under pressure:

Hence the scholars said that whoever is forced to divorce his wife by talaaq wrongfully, and divorces her under pressure, then his divorce is not valid. See al-Mughni, 10/352. (source islamqa #26247)

Ibn Qudamah in his al-Mughni also expressed the opinion of tarhreem (considering it haram) of khul' if there was no necessity. Based on ahadith such as:

I know of husbands who lived a happy life with an infertile wife and treated them the best way and never looked for a second marriage.

How to go for Khul'

With regard to the way in which it is done, the husband should take his payment or they should agree upon it, then he should say to her “faaraqtuki” (I separate from you) or “khaala’tuki (I let you go), or other such words. (source islamqa #26247)

It is nowadays the best to make this separation in a legal way by shari'a court or with witnesses etc. the linked fatwa from islamqa (which I strongly recommend you to read) seems to indicate if the reason for khul' is valid you could do it by divorce through the man-made laws.


Off-topic but needs to be said

First I'd like to quote the comment of @III-AKA-III

"On another note, do not be more royalist than the king. If your husband does not want to leave you, why seek it when perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good

And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good (4:19)"

You should also have in mind that you might be alone in a foreign country and from your description it seems you are unlikely to get married or find an other husband if you couldn't overcome your psychosomatic conditions.

Therefore you should think twice before taking this step and maybe should speak things out with your husband and describe your feelings, situation, thoughts and the plan for going for khul'. You should also ask him about his own opinion, feelings and situation before doing any further step.

Some more sources: This article, an other article and this fatwa on islamweb in Arabic

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