Sex deprivation: How long is it permissible for a husband to not have sex with his wife?

Question

Salam Alaikum. Pls I have been married for 6 years and my husband doesn’t really have sex with or even just intimacy with me. I want to know pls how long is permissible for a husband to leave his wife without touching her with no excuse while they are staying together. He could go 3-4 months without sex and even when I make moves, he complains to be tired from work. Thank you.

Answer 1

Ruling:

It is obligatory on a husband to have intercourse with his wife on a regular basis. This is the view of the majority:

وقد ذهب جمهور الفقهاء: الحنفية والمالكية والحنابلة - إلى أنه يجب على الزوج أن يطأ زوجته

The madhab of the majority of the jurists: The Hanafis, Malikis and Hanbalis - is that it is obligatory on a husband to have intercourse with his wife.

^{— الموسوعة الفقهية}

أن الجمهور يوجبون الوطء على الرجل وإعفاف المرأة

The majority of the jurists declare that is obligatory for the husband to have intercourse with his wife, so that she can easily maintain her chastity

^{— الفقه الإسلامي وأدلته by Wahbah al-Zuhayli}

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Frequency:

The schools differ on exactly what length of time it is permissible for a husband to not have intimacy with his wife.

The Hanafis view is that the husband is obligated to provide intimacy whenever the wife demands it, provided that the husband does not have a valid excuse:

قال الحنفية : للزوجة أن تطالب زوجها بالوطء؛ لأن حله لها حقها، كما أن حلها له حقه، وإذا طالبته يجب على الزوج.

The Hanafis say: The wife has the right to seek sex from her husband, because whatever is halal is the right of the wife, just as whatever is halal is the right of the husband. And when the wife seeks it then it is obligatory on the husband to have intimacy.

^{— الفقه الإسلامي وأدلته}

The Hanbalis hold that the husband is obligated to provide intimacy at least once every four months:

وقال الحنابلة : يجب على الزوج أن يطأ الزوجة في كل أربعة أشهر مرة إن لم يكن عذر؛

The Hanbalis say: It is obligatory on the husband to copulate with his wife once in four months, provided that he has no valid excuse.

فإن أبى الرجل الوطء بعد انقضاء الأربعة الأشهر، أو أبى البيتوتة في ليلة من أربع ليال للحرة، حتى مضت الأربعة الأشهر بلا عذر لأحدهما، فرِّق بينهما بطلبهما

If a man does refuses intimacy with his wife for four months, or for a free woman (even) if he does not spend a night with her in four months, and he does not have a valid excuse then on her request separation will be done between the two of them.

^{— الفقه الإسلامي وأدلته}

There is also a view of once every four days (deriving from the permission of a maximum of four wives) and others.

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Evidence:

The Quranic evidence for the obligation is:

للذين يؤلون من نسائهم تربص أربعة أشهر فإن فاءوا فإن الله غفور رحيم

وإن عزموا الطلاق فإن الله سميع عليم

For those who swear not to have sexual relations with their wives is a waiting time of four months, but if they return [to normal relations] - then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. And if they decide on divorce - then indeed, Allah is Hearing and Knowing.

^{— Quran 2:226-227}

For someone who has made an oath to not have sex with their wife, Allah has given them a choice to either:

• return to them (i.e. have sex with them) or
• divorce

And not allowed them to continue and fulfill their oath. Since the oath is not permissible, that means that it must be abstention from something obligatory.

The limitation of a "period of four months" in which they must return, is interpreted by the Hanbalis and the like to mean that the minimum obligation is once every four months.

Similarly, Allah has ordained kindness and good treatment of wives:

وعاشروهن بالمعروف

And live with them in kindness.

^{— Quran 4:19}

ولا تضاروهن لتضيقوا عليهن

do not harm them in order to oppress them

^{— Quran 65:6}

خلق لكم من أنفسكم أزواجا لتسكنوا إليها وجعل بينكم مودة ورحمة

He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.

^{— Quran 30:21}

Making the wife miserable through sex deprivation is against these commands.

Also Allah declared that their rights on the husband are similar to the rights against them:

ولهن مثل الذي عليهن بالمعروف

And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable.

^{— Quran 2:228}

So when sex is the right of the husband, its also the right of the wife.

Finally, Allah has made both husband and wife a means to each other's modesty and chastity:

هن لباس لكم وأنتم لباس لهن

They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.

^{— Quran 2:187}

So it is obligatory on each to help the other in this regard.

From Hadith, when some companions of the Prophet decided to observe fasts in perpetuity (and hence prevent themselves from intimacy with their wives) the Prophet forbade them and responded:

لزوجك عليك حقًا

Your wife has a right upon you

^{— Bukhari and Muslim}

Which establishes that a wife has the right to sexual intercourse, since only that right can be violated by excessive fasting.

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Contrary madhab and its evidence:

A minority view is that it is not obligatory on a husband to have intercourse with his wife at any specific interval, rather it is sunnah (i.e. recommended) or that is makruh to abstain from it. Their reasoning being that a male is not always physically able to have intercourse on demand since erection requires desire from his side.

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Further References:

• Encyclopedia of Islamic Jurisprudence (الموسوعة الفقهية) (vol 44, page 36 to 38)

Answer 2

I’m sorry to hear this, but you could ask your husband to stop being like this because, it is not right.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 4.460 Narrated by Abu Huraira God’s Messenger (saws) said, "If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relation) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the Angels will curse her till morning."

This means, even if a husband is bad with his wife, his wife must ask her husband to stop being like this as you described “when I make a move, he complains to be tired from work.” I understand that your husband is tired but, your husband and you can have a relaxation moment, right? So, you can ask him, if he refuses, then tell him that the angels will curse him.

Abu Dhar al-Ghafari reported: The Messenger of God (saws) said: there is a reward for you [even] in sex with your wife." The companions asked: O Messenger of God (saws) is there a reward if one satisfies his passion?" He (saws) said: "Do you know that if he satisfies it unlawfully he has taken a sin upon himself? Likewise, if he satisfies it lawfully, he is rewarded."

Tell your husband that God Almighty Said:

”And be afraid of the Day when you shall be brought back to God. Then every person shall be paid what he earned, and they shall not be dealt with unjustly.”

Quran (Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 281)

Tell your husband that he must take good care of you without violating your desires, because that are 2 basic pillars of a family. Uh, tell your husband not to be mean with you.

Imam as-Sadiq (a.s) stated:

”One of the characteristics of the prophets of God is that they are all kind towards their wives',"

Related by Ahmad and Muslim.

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Sources:

1. http://www.islamhelpline.net/node/6404

2. https://www.al-islam.org/principles-marriage-family-ethics-ayatullah-ibrahim-amini/part-2-duties-men