I am getting married next week so I wanted to know the things we do in the night of marriage. I had a doubt about can we have sex with our wife on the first night of marriage so please clear this doubt and tell me other things we should do on the night of marriage thanks
Once you have the agreement or consent from the guardian of your future wife and your wife, and at least two witnesses for that you can basically consider yourself married, as most scholars mahr is only obligatory when you consume the marriage.
Of course determining or fixing a mahr (before consummation) is highly recommended and also having a marriage contract where both of you, you and your spouse may declare their conditions for this marriage. And you should abide to this contract.
Once you are married and/or your wife enters your home you are allowed to have intercourse with her unless she is in her menses or both of you have fixed some legal conditions in your contract that don't permit it yet (let's say your wife is a virgin and she is afraid from the "first time" and wants you to be gentle and patient) or in the same situation (and without a contract) you remember Allah's words in the qur'an:
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. ... (30:21)
and give her a certain time or try to gain her confidence and arouse her lust via foreplay, as some scholars interpret (2:223):
... وَقَدِّمُواْ لأَنفُسِكُمْ ...
put forth [righteousness] for yourselves (Sahih international)
do some good act for your souls beforehand (Yusuf Ali)
do good beforehand for yourselves (Shakir)
place forward (good deeds) for yourselves (Dr. Ghali)
as an indication for the foreplay, while most others say it refers to doing good deeds and avoid bad deeds as you may conclude from most (if not all) translations! Al-Qurtobi in his tafsir also quoted in this context that spouses should do dhikr before having intercourse (based on the sahih hadith)!
We may conclude: you are allowed to have intercourse with your wife once you are married to her by means of witnesses, acceptance of guardian and herself, and if a mahr is fixed (even if not payed yet), but you should treat her the best way you can.
Note that both of you will be very exited as until this moment you were strangers so think well what the first impression of your wife about you as a husband will be!
Some virtuous of the first night
- If she moved to your home take care that both of you enter it with your right feet (See for example sahih al-Bukhari and here)
Put your hand on the forhead of your wife and say the du'a:
Allahumma inni as'aluka min khayriha wa khayri ma jubilat 'alaihi, wa 'audhu bika min sharriha wa sharri ma jubilat 'alaih
(O Allah, I ask You for the goodness within her and the goodness that she is inclined towards, and I seek refuge with you from the evil to which she is inclined).' (Sunan ibn Majah, sunan abu Dawod,
and give her a nice kiss on the forehead and her right hand.
it is highly recommended to pray a nafl of two rak'a either each of you for himself or as a jama'a (I'd prefer the last, as it is a symbol of your first act together as spouses).
Have in mind the words of our Prophet():
He who is deprived of tenderly feelings is in fact deprived of good. (Sahih Muslim)
so be good to her talk and speak nicely. and treat her kindly Read how our Prophet () treated his new wife in the same situation:
Asmaa’ bint Yazeed ibn al-Sakan, who said:
“I prepared ‘Aa’ishah as a bride when she married the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). I came to him and invited him to see her (uncover her face). So he came and sat beside her, and a large cup of milk was brought to him. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) drank some, then offered it to her, but she lowered her head and felt shy. I rebuked her and said: ‘Take it from the hand of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).’ So she took it and drank a little, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, ‘Give some to your companion (meaning himself). (Musnad Ahmad: source)
As both of you will be nervous you should work on this and forget about having intercourse, as this can happen at any time (the right time hopefully) once both of you have found confidence and trust (in) each other and reach a certain arousal while doing some kind of foreplay (kissing, caressing etc.) this may happen:
Intercourse should be preceded by kind words, playfulness and kisses. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to play with his wives and kiss them. (Source islamqa #5560)
- If you have intercourse you should say the dua' mentioned above:
"Bismillah! Allahumma janibnash-Shaitana, wa jannibish-Shaitana ma razaqtana
(In the Name of Allah, O Allah! Keep us away from Satan and keep Satan away from what You have bestowed upon us);' (Riyadu as-saliheen)
- If you ever had intercourse with your wife and want to have it again it is recommended to perform an ablution (sahih Muslim)
Be aware that kindness, gentleness and affection is the key there's a da'if hadith saying that a man shouldn't "jump on his wife like on an animal" (with the purpose of having sex), even if the hadith is weak it has backup in both the qur'an and sunnah!