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I gave my wife a lot of money so she can buy cloths & study etc., i also gave money so she can pay the fees for a visa. But now she decided not to come to me (we live in different countries). Can i ask my money back from her or her family (wali)? Since she is depriving me from my rights as a husband, can i stop giving her money for clothing, study? She does not want to have sex or intimacy with me, she does not want to have children until she is ready ... but she demands that i have to give her money for her needs (cloths etc.) ... is she doing unjust? Until now did she take my money unlawfully? If yes, where in Quran & Hadith can i reference? Can i ask all the money back?

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Obligation of Nafaqah (maintenance) of a wife is established through the following (not exhaustive):

Quran 2:233 ... Upon the father is their provision and clothing according to what is acceptable ...

Quran 65:6 Lodge them [in a section] of where you dwell out of your means and do not harm them in order to oppress them. And if they should be pregnant, then spend on them until they give birth. And if they breastfeed for you, then give them their payment and confer among yourselves in the acceptable way; but if you are in discord, then there may breastfeed for the father another woman.

Quran 65:7 Let a man of wealth spend from his wealth, and he whose provision is restricted - let him spend from what Allah has given him. Allah does not charge a soul except [according to] what He has given it. Allah will bring about, after hardship, ease.

Since she left with your permission and stayed there with your mutual understanding, the maintenance remains due.

Now if you've asked her to return and have relations with you, it is essential that she does so and if she decisively refuses without a valid excuse then you are no longer obligated to provide her with further monetary maintenance according to majority opinion.

Quran 4:34 ... what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient ...

From Tafsir Qurtubi:

قال ٱبن المنذِر: ٱتفق أهل العلم على وجوب نفقات الزوجات على أزواجهن إذا كانوا جميعاً بالِغِين إلا الناشز منهنّ الممتنعة. وقال أبو عمر: من نشزت عنه ٱمرأته بعد دخوله سقطت عنه نفقتها إلا أن تكون حاملاً. وخالف ٱبن القاسم جماعة الفقهاء في نفقة الناشِز فأوجبها. وإذا عادت الناشز إلى زوجها وجب في المستقبل نفقتها. ولا تَسقط نفقةُ المرأة عن زوجها لشيءٍ غير النشوز؛ لا من مرض ولا حيض ولا نفاس ولا صوم ولا حج ولا مَغِيب زوجها ولا حبسه عنها في حق أو جَوْرٍ غير ما ذكرنا.

[ My own translation so treat with caution ]

Ibn Manzir said: The People of Knowledge are agreed on the obligation on the husband of paying his wife's expenses when they are adults; except for Nushuz نشوز (when the woman is rebellious or disobedient) and prevents the husband from herself then the maintenance is not obligatory. Abu Umar said: The woman who after consummation is rebellious to her husband, her maintenance would be suspended unless she is pregnant. Ibn Al-Qasim opposed the congregation of the scholars, he said that the maintenance of the rebellious wife is also obligatory. When the rebellious wife returns to her husband then her future maintenance is obligatory, and apart from disobedience nothing else suspends maintenance, be it disease, menses, fasting, pilgrimage etc. nor when the husband is missing, nor when the husband is imprisoned because of either right or otherwise.

Regarding demanding back what you have already given her beforehand, if the marriage was consummated, it is not permitted unless she asks for divorce through Khula, where you can demand for return of what you have spent.

Quran 4:20 But if you want to replace one wife with another and you have given one of them a great amount [in gifts], do not take [back] from it anything. Would you take it in injustice and manifest sin?

Quran 4:21 And how could you take it while you have gone in unto each other and they have taken from you a solemn covenant?

Quran 2:229 ... And it is not lawful for you to take anything of what you have given them unless both fear that they will not be able to keep [within] the limits of Allah . But if you fear that they will not keep [within] the limits of Allah, then there is no blame upon either of them concerning that by which she ransoms herself ...

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