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Among one of many testimonials of ex-Muslims, WikiIslam (reposting from FaithFreedom) lists how Andrea, a US convert to Islam, was prompted to leave Islam by a list of demands made by her husband. This is the list:

Here are my demands and you will follow them not because I demand them, but because Allah demands them. And Allah demands submission to the husband.

  1. You will wear hijab at all times.
  2. You will not befriend Muslim girls without hijab, and you will absolutely not befriend Kafirs.
  3. When a male friend or colleague of mine enters the house, you will go to a separate room, and stay there until he leaves, unless you serve him food or drink.
  4. You will not work, even if I am not able to financially support you, you will be around Kafirs at work, and they will look at you lustfully and tempt you to do wrong. Women are weak, you are weak, and you will probably end up harassed by a Kafir.
  5. If you leave, even with friends, tell me where you are at all times, and whatever you buy you must show me once you return home
  6. I am allowed to beat you softly, but only under extreme circumstances, such as denying sex.
  7. If I want to get another wife, or two or three, it is my right, and Allah has recommended it, so if you were a good Muslim you will even help me search for a wife. However, if I do find one, you cannot object to me wanting to be a better Muslim.

As far as I can tell, every one of these demands is halal; I seek to confirm this.

Question: Are all of these demands by Andrea's husband legally acceptable?

The husband seems within his rights to make these demands, and if the wife does not obey them, she could be labelled as "rebellious". Imam Shamsu ed-Deen Dhahabi, Al-Kaba'ir (translated) or Major Sins (pdf) lists "A Wife's Rebellion Against Her Husband" as major sin number 47.

Number 6 is an alarm bell for people who have experienced domestic violence. You learn to escape while you are still capable, before it escalates into something more serious. You put physical safety first, and ignore the social cost of your "friends" branding you irrational, rebellious, etc.

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  • Is the question whether the demands are halal per se, or whether they are halal assuming the wife threatens to leave Islam if the husband makes them? I don't think they will br, but those might be two different rulings.
    – G. Bach
    Jun 15 '17 at 22:08
  • @G.Bach: Just if each demand is halal, i.e., if a husband can legally make these demands. (The rest is giving context to the question.) Jun 15 '17 at 22:14
  • For both of the current answers it's unclear to me whether they address your question; I read your question as "if the husband makes these demands, is it obligatory for the wife to fulfill them", is that a fair phrasing?
    – G. Bach
    Jun 16 '17 at 12:45
  • @G.Bach: That was my intention, but I'm flexible, and they're useful answers in that they give non-trivial knowledge related to the question. Jun 16 '17 at 12:58
  • @RebeccaJ.Stones Maybe you can rephrase your question to suit the answers? People might be coming through here later on without reading the comments and miss the difference in context.
    – G. Bach
    Jun 16 '17 at 13:35
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Assuming that your question is not about being "legally acceptable", but about being "Islamically acceptable", the conditions for a wife to obey her husband are that the husband's demands:

  • do not ask her to commit sins or haram actions,
  • do not cause harm for her, or
  • do not deprive her of her rights.

See this fatwa on differences of opinion between husband and wife concerning matters where the scholars differed for more information. Keeping this in mind, for each of the demands, one needs to examine the above-mentioned three conditions.

You will wear hijab at all times.

Haram: No.

Cause harm: possibly yes in specific conditions, but generally no.

Deprive her of her rights: Yes, as wearing hijab at all times restricts her right to lift hijab in the presence of only mahrams. Hijab is only a requirement in the presence or in the vision of non-mahrams, or when outside one's house. See women not obliged to cover hair at all times for more information.

Conclusion: Husband's request not legally acceptable. Wife's disobedience has no consequence.

You will not befriend Muslim girls without hijab, and you will absolutely not befriend Kafirs.

Haram: No.

Cause harm: No.

Deprive her of her rights: No. Befriending females without hijab (Muslim or non-Muslim) is something that the Prophet ﷺ said not to do as Muslims are to befriend only believers (see Jami' at-Tirmidhi 2395: Abu Sa'eed narrated that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: "Do not accompany except a believer, and do not serve your food except to one with Taqwa."). Note that befriend has a specific meaning in Islam that does not extend to socializing with a non-Muslim, buying them gifts, visiting them when ill, helping them with non-haram things, etc. See making friends with a non-Muslim woman and making friends with a Muslim woman without hijab for more information.

Conclusion: Husband's request is legally acceptable. Wife's disobedience may be considered nushūz (rebellion).

When a male friend or colleague of mine enters the house, you will go to a separate room, and stay there until he leaves, unless you serve him food or drink.

Haram: Potentially, yes, partially. Prohibition of mixing men and women is known (see Evidence — Prohibiting of mixing of men and women for more information).

Cause harm: No.

Deprive her of her rights: No. I am not even sure what the basis of "unless you serve him food or drink" is.

Conclusion: Husband's request is legally acceptable for the part of mixing. Wife's disobedience may be considered nushūz (rebellion). The exception of serving of food is inconclusive.

You will not work, even if I am not able to financially support you, you will be around Kafirs at work, and they will look at you lustfully and tempt you to do wrong. Women are weak, you are weak, and you will probably end up harassed by a Kafir.

Haram: No.

Cause harm: His request does not cause harm per se. However, his claim that it is to protect her from harm is either incorrect or inaccurate as a blanket statement. Prohibition of work for women is not a blanket statement. Workplace harassment potentially exists when there is mixing of men and women in the same place, and when the people involved are of the mentality to tolerate, accept, or endorse such practices. Saying that one group of people are more prone to being harassers is not accurate. There are also certain jobs and conditions that women are actually encouraged to take (e.g., gynecology). See working women and pre-conditions for a woman to work for more information.

Deprive her of her rights: Potentially, yes.

Conclusion: This is a highly contextual situation that requires a case-by-case evaluation.

If you leave, even with friends, tell me where you are at all times, and whatever you buy you must show me once you return home

Haram: No.

Cause harm: No.

Deprive her of her rights: No. A woman is required to ask for her guardian's permission before leaving her house. A wife is also required to ask for permission prior to spending from her husband's money. She is of course allowed to do whatever she wants with her own money. See Sahih Muslim Hadith 1026.

Conclusion: Husband's request is legally acceptable for the part of mixing. Wife's disobedience may be considered nushūz (rebellion).

I am allowed to beat you softly, but only under extreme circumstances, such as denying sex.

Haram: No.

Cause harm: Yes in terms of beating, but overruled by a clear verse that allows this specific situation: An-Nisa' 4:34. Potentially, yes in terms of demand for sex (Is the request reasonable? What is her physical condition? etc.).

Deprive her of her rights: No, a husband may beat his wife as a last resort, and denying sex without a valid excuse is considered a potential reason. However, beating the wife is neither mandated, nor encouraged, nor is it the first resort. See explanation of Surah an-Nisa434 for more information.

Conclusion: Husband's request is legally acceptable. Exercising the right to administer such punishment is contextual — a judge will need to investigate on a case-by-case basis.

If I want to get another wife, or two or three, it is my right, and Allah has recommended it, so if you were a good Muslim you will even help me search for a wife. However, if I do find one, you cannot object to me wanting to be a better Muslim.

Haram: No.

Cause harm: No, according to Islam. Overruled by a man being permitted to have up to four wives at any one time, provided he is able to fulfill the conditions of polygyny. See Islam and polygamy for more information.

Deprive her of her rights: No.

Conclusion: Husband's request is legally acceptable. Wife's disobedience may be considered nushūz (rebellion). Exception is if the marriage contract stipulates otherwise, in which case, the husband has to comply with the terms of the marriage contract or divorce his wife. See Jami' at-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1352 and IslamWeb Fatwa 283636 (Arabic only, but basically it is about contractual obligations in a marriage that they have to be fulfilled, provided they are halal).

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Evidences for the obedience

First of all the obedience of a wife to her husband is usually based on verses such as:

... And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. ... (2:228)

and

Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. ... (4:34)

and ahadith such as:

“Nothing is of more benefit to the believer after Taqwa of Allah than a righteous wife whom, if he commands her she obeys him, if he looks at her he is pleased, if he swears an oath concerning her she fulfills it, and when he is away from her she is sincere towards him with regard to herself and his wealth.” (sunan ibn Majah)

There's also a hadith quoted by Imam Ahmad dn ibn Hebban:

إذا صلت المرأة خمسها وصامت شهرها وحفظت فرجها وأطاعت زوجها دخلت من أي أبواب الجنة شاءت

which may be translated: "If a woman (wife) prayed her five (obligatory prayers), and fasted her month (Ramadan), and guarded her private parts (from zina), and obeyed (followed the orders of) her husband, she will enter paradise (jannah) from whatever door she wants"

and there are other ahadith which seem to say a woman needs to do her best to keep her husband happy (however most have a da'if taste). (Arabic source islamweb #8083)

Note that basically fulfiling the conditions of agreed contracts is binding according the qur'an (5:1) and sunnah. But I found especially on islamqa self-contradictory fatwas when it comes to some conditions of the wife. So if the wife agreed on all of this she is asked to respect those rules and conditions, however they are far away of being imposed by shari'a, but one may ask what happens if a husband didn't follow the conditions of his wifes and acted opposed to that, could the wife do the same?

Comments on each condition

1. You will wear hijab at all times.

This is simply against the Qur'an which allows a woman to reveal herself without hijab to her mahrams (24:31) and the sunnah which shows that even the wives of the Prophet put on the hijab when they left the house or if a non-Mahram came in.

See also: Covering Face In The House

2. You will not befriend Muslim girls without hijab, and you will absolutely not befriend Kafirs.

How while Allah says (49:13)?:

O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another.

so by qur'an we are not hindered from getting to know non-Muslims, of course one can choose, setting non-hijab wearing Muslim women equal to non pious is an interpretation and can be discussed. So the hadith saying:

"Do not accompany except a believer, and do not serve your food except to one with Taqwa." (Jami' at-Tirmdihi and sunan abi Dawod)

does not necessary mean that a Muslim women shouldn't have non-hijab wearing female friend. So at the end this is a ruling that falls under obeying your husband, no more nor less!

3. When a male friend or colleague of mine enters the house, you will go to a separate room, and stay there until he leaves, unless you serve him food or drink.

At least Imam Malik would reject this as stated in his Muwatta' (but not yet translated on sunnah.com):

قَالَ يَحْيَى سُئِلَ مَالِكٌ هَلْ تَأْكُلُ الْمَرْأَةُ مَعَ غَيْرِ ذِي مَحْرَمٍ مِنْهَا أَوْ مَعَ غُلاَمِهَا
فَقَالَ مَالِكٌ لَيْسَ بِذَلِكَ بَأْسٌ إِذَا كَانَ ذَلِكَ عَلَى وَجْهِ مَا يُعْرَفُ لِلْمَرْأَةِ أَنْ تَأْكُلَ مَعَهُ مِنَ الرِّجَالِ ‏.‏ قَالَ وَقَدْ تَأْكُلُ الْمَرْأَةُ مَعَ زَوْجِهَا وَمَعَ غَيْرِهِ مِمَّنْ يُؤَاكِلُهُ أَوْ مَعَ أَخِيهَا عَلَى مِثْلِ ذَلِكَ وَيُكْرَهُ لِلْمَرْأَةِ أَنْ تَخْلُوَ مَعَ الرَّجُلِ لَيْسَ بَيْنَهُ وَبَيْنَهَا حُرْمَةٌ ‏.

(here my own translation take it with care)

Yahya said: Malik was asked can a woman eat with a non-Mahram or with her slave?
He answered: there's no harm, if it is of the kind of men which a woman is used or known (local custom? or mahram as the further statement may indicate) eat with. And he added: and a woman is allowed to eat with her husband and with those whom eat with him, or with her brother in the same case, but it is frowned upon that a woman stays all alone with a man which is not her mahram!

Ibn Abd al-barr commented this fatwa of Malik, by saying that the times have changed!

Of course if she isn't allowed to stay with the (male) guest it sounds contradictory, if the husband expects her to serve, as those whom don't allow a wife to stay with the (male) guests wouldn't allow her to serve them too!

4. You will not work, even if I am not able to financially support you, you will be around Kafirs at work, and they will look at you lustfully and tempt you to do wrong. Women are weak, you are weak, and you will probably end up harassed by a Kafir.

Well yes he can ask her not to work and she must obey based on the principle that a woman is asked to follow her husbands orders as long as he doesn't order something haram based on the verses and ahadith quoted in my intro.
But once he couldn't stay in charge for her, some madhabs would say he lost the right of his wife's obedience (see my answer on What does "obey" mean in "righteous women are devoutly obedient" in Qur'an 4:34?), so he can't expect her not to work if he is jobless. And it is shameful if not haram for a Muslim to stay to be dependent on external help without doing any effort!

5. If you leave, even with friends, tell me where you are at all times, and whatever you buy you must show me once you return home

This is to some extent correct according to hadith, but she must not show him, as there are ahadith where the Prophet () allowed Hind the wife of abu Sufyan to take some of his money as her husband was stingy (see for example sahih al-Bukhari).

6. I am allowed to beat you softly, but only under extreme circumstances, such as denying sex.

First this reads as if our Prophet () and our religion is a call for domestic violence and also supporting the claim of enemies of Islam that our Prophet () was a pervert whom was sex thirsty and so should Muslims be. And that is simply not correct!

Verse (4:34) clearly shows that violence or beating (even softly as stated by scholars) is the last choice after taking former steps! So a husband can't come and beat his wife unless she went ahead with her nushuz نشوز after the two former steps:

  1. advise them

this needs a conversation between the spouses without any violence, but maybe by a good remainder of some verses of the Qur'an etc.

  1. forsake them in bed

oh? he wanted to beat her because she refused intercourse, now -in fact-he is asked to "punish her" by the same before even thinking of beating her softly!

  1. strike them.

this is where this husband wants to start :(, but it can't be unless he left a few days or weeks pass, because of 2.!

Note that a wife isn't nashiz if the husband is not a good Muslim if she refuses sharing his bed. Also note that the Qur'an always use the terms "and if you fear" when referring to the relationship husband/wife, so this practice is hardly going ahead with what Allah asks and wants as to do. See also Wife's Tamkin and Marital Rape

7. If I want to get another wife, or two or three, it is my right, and Allah has recommended it, so if you were a good Muslim you will even help me search for a wife. However, if I do find one, you cannot object to me wanting to be a better Muslim.

This husband seems not to have any idea of women, and their feelings, a new wife would never ever think of finding an other wife for her husband. But a wife whom may have lived long enough with her husband and understand his needs and might be aware that she can't fulfil all his desires or a woman whom just can't fulfil them no more for some reasons might help in that case.
The Qur'an however is clear that having more than one wife is only allowed if a husband is able to threat them equally and that is practically impossible, especially when it comes to feelings.


So far these comments are only based on shari'a without any relation to the rule saying "obey the law of the land" based on fulfilling contracts (5:1) (see What are counter arguments for those who do not admit to the laws of a secular countries?) as @Kilise reminded me in the comment!
Of course the husband can define his home as a separate caliphate and apply them there, and there only ;)!
Rejecting the contract is of course theoretically possible, but usually marriage contracts of Muslims are only made in Muslim countries, I've witnessed a marriage where no contract was made -in means of quoting mahr conditions of spouses etc.-, so I only know that in Morocco a contract is prescribed by the authorities (even if not always applied in some rural environments), so in practice the chance is few that such a contract -as described- would have any official value in a non-Muslim country.

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  • Sorry, what does "nashiz" mean? Jun 16 '17 at 9:07
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    noshooz نشوز is often translated as disobedience or rebellion, but a more correct interpretation is that a woman considers herself as better than her husband, or she considers him as of lower position ... than herself and acts according to that without any respect towards him.
    – Medi1Saif
    Jun 16 '17 at 9:16
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    Maybe commenting on Obey the law of the land, if a term in the contract contradicts the law of the country (like to beat the woman), while the term is not wajib in islam, the term in the contract should be rejected according to the principle of obeying the law of the country.
    – Kilise
    Jun 16 '17 at 10:03
  • I can't discern whether or not this answers the question; as I read the question, it asks "are these demands by the husband legally binding on the wife", and most of the points you raise read like you're answering "are these demands of the husband binding on the wife per default as opposed to due to his demanding them?". "This is simply against the Qur'an which allows a woman to..." A woman is allowed to do many things per default that her husband can nevertheless legally demand she doesn't do.
    – G. Bach
    Jun 16 '17 at 11:40
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The requirements sound more like a female slave (کنیز). Only that the name isn't carried.

The Sunni view is: He can ask anything that isn't sinning.

Shia view is view is he can only has authority for sharing a bed and not leaving the house without permission. But other than that it's highly recommended that the wife obeys.

A husband can include all of these conditions in the marriage and the bride my choose to not accept and the marriage will never happen. So all of them are legally acceptable if they agreed unto them. None of them are acceptable if they didn't agree unto.

I personally find the husband a 'non-rational—holier than thou'. I mean marriage is about rules AND love. He seemed to miss the 2nd part. Did this husband also allow the wife to add rules that you would have to get me a maid for cooking? Take him out to have fun? Buy her stuff? And then even if he did allow. What kind of a marriage is that is based on such rules? (I'm not saying you shouldn't have rules. I'm saying rules are OK, but don't ever expect to flourish a relationship through rules. Humans are complex emotional beings). Love-less marriages have been the greatest silent killer among our communities. They have created many many depressed women. Both the men and women don't know how to resolve conflicts of modern life and Islam and this is what happens. Such a husband need consultation on how to manage his wife and far deeper understanding of Islam. I advise you to see my answer to What does it mean for a wife to be obedient?. His wife isn't his slave. She's her soulmate in ubudiyya:

The prophet asked Ali how do you see Fatimah?

"I see her as a great partner in submitting to Allah".

The only thing that I don't sense here is a partnership. It's a futile effort towards ubudiyya.

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  • Your statement about the shi'a view seems clearly in conflict with this seemingly shi'a hadith quoted in the post islam.stackexchange.com/q/40737/13438
    – Medi1Saif
    Jun 17 '17 at 2:00
  • @Medi1Saif I don't know about that narrations authenticity. Yet my statement still matches that. I said she isn't allowed to leave unless her husband allows.... But again the ability to not allow your wife to not leave is to be used rarely. Plus I find this narration a little odd. I mean what was the reason she wasn't allowed to leave?! (I am not undermining it...simply asking a question)
    – Thaqalain
    Jun 17 '17 at 2:48
  • "I mean marriage is about rules AND love." And this question is about the rules. Can you cite any references from shia fiqh for what you say?
    – G. Bach
    Jun 19 '17 at 23:46
  • @G.Bach you misunderstood me. My point is: if you bring downgrade marriage to a set of rules, you'll fail miserably (as with this case). Emotions should also be heavily involved. I'm undermining the entire logic.
    – Thaqalain
    Jun 20 '17 at 17:57
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I don't know the context of this event, I don't know whether it really happened, and I don't know whether it happened before or after marriage, but some aspects of the letter seem questionable to me. As for the content of the rules, some of the rules are valid in Islam, while some of them seem to have glaring issues, based on the scholarly views I know of.

1- “You will wear hijab at all times.”

There are multiple classes of people in front of which a woman is generally not obligated to wear hijab in Islam. “And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers over their chests and not expose their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, their brothers' sons, their sisters' sons, their women, that which their right hands possess, or those male attendants having no physical desire, or children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women. And let them not stamp their feet to make known what they conceal of their adornment. And turn to Allah in repentance, all of you, O believers, that you might succeed.”(Qur’an 24:31) It seems to me that demanding her to constantly wear it would probably make great difficulty and restriction for her. I doubt the husband has any need for her to wear hijab at all times, and if he is telling her to do so just so he can feel good about himself, or another non-Islam-based reason, it seems to me to be blatant unkindness or at least grounds for the wife to get a separation, if he made her life unbearable with it.

2- "You will not work, even if I am not able to financially support you..." According to scholarly views, if the man cannot financially support the woman, she is not obligated to obey him, she does not have to be intimate with him, she can go out and work without his permission, and she can get a separation. “Ash-Shirazi ash-Shaafi‘i said in al-Muhadhdhab fi Fiqh al-Imam ash-Shaafi‘i (3/155): If she chooses to stay after he becomes unable to spend on her, she is not obliged to allow him to be intimate with her, and she may leave his house, because allowing intimacy is in return for maintenance, so it is not obligatory when there is no maintenance. End quote. Al-Bahooti (may Allah have mercy on him) said in Kashshaf al-Qina‘ (5/477): She has the right to remain in the marriage and not allow him to be intimate with her, so she does not have to allow intimacy or reside in his house, and he must not detain her; rather he should let her earn money, even if she is well off, because he has not given her anything in return for intimacy with her. End quote.”(source: translation from islamqa.info)

3- “unless you serve him food or drink.”

That makes it sound like he wants his wife to serve a stranger man, which sounds like potential unnecessary mixing. Why can’t he do it himself?

4- "I am allowed to beat you softly, but only under extreme circumstances, such as denying sex."

The way this is written makes it sound like the man would beat her just for denying sex. In Islam, there are steps to take before the "beating"(which according to scholars, must not cause pain). These steps are first advising the wife and then forsaking her in bed. I don't see those mentioned in the husband's letter. He could have said "extreme circumstances, such as when advising and forsaking don't do anything", but instead he said "extreme circumstances, such as denying sex", which makes it sound like he considers denying sex on its own to be a circumstance under which beating would be permissible. That is just how it sounds to me. Again, I do not know the context of this event. However, if the wife did nothing wrong, and the husband simply handed her that list, it would feel to me that he is violating her right to be treated kindly by speaking to her in an unkind tone. At least, if I were the wife, I would feel treated unkindly. However, none of this is a reason to find fault with Islam. Islam honors and privileges women and protects their rights.

These are issues with the rules that stood out to me; I'm not knowledgeable enough to say for certain if there are other issues with them.

Another aspect of the letter, however, stands out. One of the rights of the wife is to be treated kindly, according to scholars.

“O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.”(Qur'an 4:19, interpretation of the meaning)

“And live with them in kindness.” [4:19]

Ibn Katheer said: i.e., speak kindly to them, treat them well and pay attention to your deeds and your appearance as much as you can; as you would like her to do for you, do the same for her.”(source of translation: islamqa.info)

Allah said in another ayah, وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِى عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ (And they have rights similar over them to what is reasonable) 2:228.

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: "The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: 'Be kind to women.'"(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3153; Muslim, 1468).(Source of translation: islamqa.info)

Abu Shuraih Khuwailid bin 'Amr Al-Khuza'i (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) said, "O Allah, I declare inviolable the rights of two weak ones: the orphans and women".(source of translation: sunnah.com)

“The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “The worst of guardians are those who are cruel. Beware lest you be one of them.” Narrated by Muslim (1830)”(Source of translation: islamqa.info)

Haritha ibn Wahb reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said: أَلَا أُخْبِرُكُمْ بِأَهْلِ الْجَنَّةِ كُلُّ ضَعِيفٍ مُتَضَعِّفٍ لَوْ أَقْسَمَ عَلَى اللَّهِ لَأَبَرَّهُ أَلَا أُخْبِرُكُمْ بِأَهْلِ النَّارِ كُلُّ عُتُلٍّ جَوَّاظٍ مُسْتَكْبِرٍ Shall I not tell you about the companions of Paradise? They are every humble person considered weak, but if they gave an oath by Allah it would be fulfilled. Shall I not tell you about the companions of Hellfire? They are every harsh, haughty, and arrogant person. Source: Sahih Bukhari 4634

Ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him and his father too) said: “I like to beautify myself for my wife as I like her beautify herself for me; as Allah said: {and live with them honourably}.”(Source of translation: islamqa.info)

The tone of the letter of this supposed husband, in multiple places does not sound kind, in my opinion.

For example:

1- "Here are my demands..." instead of more gentle word choice.

2- Prefacing every rule with "You will", rather than something more considerate in tone.

3- "Women are weak, you are weak..."

Apart from the insulting-sounding usage of this phrase here, the truth is that every human is weak in some way. I am not aware of any Islamic daleel to back a blanket statement that women are weak, as opposed to men, with regard to sexual temptation. I do know of this ayah and some of its tafaseer.

"Allah wishes to lighten (the burden) for you; and man was created weak” [an-Nisa’ 4:28].

“Ibn al-Jawzi (may Allah have mercy on him) mentioned three views concerning the verse, as he said:

With regard to what is meant by human weakness, there are three views:

1-That it refers (in general terms) to man’s inherent weakness. Al-Hasan said: It (refers to the fact that) he was created from semen of worthless water (32:8).

2-That he is weak and lacks patience in the face of the temptation of women. This was the view of Tawoos and Muqaatil.

3-That he is weak in resolve when overwhelmed by emotions and desires. This is the view of az-Zajjaaj and Ibn Keesaan.

End quote from Zaad al-Maseer (1/395)”(Source of translation: islamqa.info)

4- "so if you were a good Muslim you will even help me search for a wife" 

This sounds as if the husband is criticizing the wife's piety, or using it to guilt her into feeling like it's her duty to help him look for a wife, or trying to make her think her feelings about it don't matter to him in the least. I'm not aware of a daleel that a wife should help her husband look for another wife, nor a daleel that bases a woman's piety on whether she does that for her husband. I have, however, seen the scholarly view that the wife is entitled to her own house with the husband, separate from any other wives or the husband's family.

“Al-Kaasaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: If a husband wants to make her live with a co-wife or her in-laws, such as his mother or sister or daughter from another marriage or anotherrelative, and she refuses to accept that, then he has to provide her with accommodation of her own… But if he lodges her in a room of the house that has a door of its own, this is sufficient for her and she should not ask him for alternative accommodation, because the harm caused by fear for her belongings and not being able to relax is no longer there. (Badaa’i’ al-Sanaa’i’, 4/23)

Ibn Qudaamah said: A man does not have the right to make two wives live in the same dwelling without their consent, regardless of whether the house is large or small, because this will cause them harm due to the enmity and jealousy between them. Making them live together will cause conflict and each of them will be able to hear when the husband spends time with (has marital relations with) the other or she will see that. If they both agree (to live together in one house), this is permissible because they have the right to do to ask for independent accommodation, or they may choose to forgo this right. (al-Mughni, 8/137) (Source of translation: islamqa.info)

Al-Haskafi (may Allaah have mercy on him) – one of the Hanafis – said: Similarly, she is entitled to a place in the house that is free of his family and her family according to their means, as is the case with food and clothing. A separated part of the house with a door of its own and facilities such as a bathroom and kitchen will be sufficient for the intended purpose. Ibn ‘Aabideen commented: What is meant by “a bathroom and kitchen” is bathroom facilities and a place for cooking that should be within the room or in a place which is not shared by any other family members. (al-Durr al-Mukhtaar, 3/599-600)”(Source of translation: islamqa.info)

And the view that women may put in the marriage contract that the man may not marry a wife other than her, as a condition of marriage, and that the man must follow that.(Source of translation: islamqa.info)

“Ibn Qudaamah (may Allah have mercy on him) said: If he stipulates that he will not take her out of her house or her city, or that he will not travel with her or will not take another wife, then he is obliged to fulfil that, and if he does not do so, then she has the right to annul the marriage. This was narrated from ‘Umar, Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqaas and ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas (may Allah be pleased with them). End quote. Al-Mughni, 9/483”(Source of translation: islamqa.info)

I’ve read ahadith and texts showing how the Prophet(sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) and early Muslim men cared for women’s feelings.

Miswar b. Makhramali reported that he heard Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) say, as he sat on the pulpit: The sons of Hisham b. Mughira have asked my permission to marry their daughter with 'Ali b. Abi Talib (that refers to the daughter of Abu Jahl for whom 'All had sent a proposal for marriage). But I would not allow them, I would not allow them, I would not allow them (and the only alternative possible is) that 'Ali should divorce my daughter (and then marry their daughter), for my daughter is part of me. He who disturbs her in fact disturbs me and he who offends her offends me. (Sahih Muslim 2449, source of translation: sunnah.com)

"It was narrated by al-Bukhaari (3110): “I fear lest she be put to trial with regard to her religious commitment.”

According to Muslim (2449): “Faatimah is part of me, and I fear lest she be put to trial with regard to her religious commitment.

Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar said: This incident occurred after the conquest of Makkah, at which time none of the daughters of the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) was still alive except her; after losing her mother, she had lost her sisters, and giving her cause to become jealous would have exacerbated her grief.

End quote from Fath al-Baari, 7/86 ”(Source of translations: islamqa.info)

I doubt a pious, knowledgeable man would talk to a Muslim wife the way shown in the question, out of the blue.

What seems potentially hurtful in it is the hostile tone, which(with no context) implies ill-will and uncaringness towards the wife, rather than the parts about Islamic rules.

Disclaimer: As with all my answers, I am not giving a fatwa. I share what I know of Islamic scripture, historical events and words of scholars, and translations of them, and sometimes my opinion, and they may or may not be the correct answer to the question, and I may or may not have interpreted them correctly as being relevant. Scriptural texts posted in English are a translation from the original Arabic and may not encompass the full meaning of the original.

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  • Please mark quotes as such and share their sources! YOu must distinguish your own words from quotations from other sources.
    – Medi1Saif
    Mar 19 at 14:27
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In the name of Allah The Most Merciful The Compassionate

This is n 1 . Most of these orders more than Islam order For ex . Its not mandatory for her to serve his friend It's not mandatory to wear hijab always ( just if there is foreign man may see her )

She can work if he accepted ( safe work in her religion )

Allah intends ease for you, not hardship, ( quran.com/2/185)

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Your husband should be merciful and not make you help him find a wife or beat you this is halal but it is extreme subhanallah sister i am sorry. Nor should he call you weak you are not weak.

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