I am trying to get married to someone I really like, and I have talked to her for 3 months now, not about anything bad but I know this is not the appropriate thing to do. I was not the best Muslim before I have made many major sins for two years which I do not wish to name.

I met this girl in my third year and she helped me change my ways and showed me Islam through a different direction. She helped me get back to praying, and now alhamdulillah I try to pray 5-6 times a day. It has now been three months, and I am afraid to continue speaking with her because of fitnah and zina. I do not want to accumulate sins because of this relation.

I told my parents about her, but they are not willing to get in contact with her and neither are they willing to see how the family is. Their answer is no because she as spoke to me before, and they think she is a bad person for speaking with me about marrying her. They say that it is their right to choose my spouse, and because I brought this topic up to them they are ashamed of me. They say their answer is no because she is Pashtun and we are Punjabi.

I don't know how I can convince my parents to talk to her and let us get married. They are not happy with this relation because of the reasons I have listed. But I do not know what to do. I hope to be with this girl, and I have searched up that these reasons are not valid. Can you help me understand my situation and show me what is right to do in this situation?


2 Answers 2


For the Pathan and Punjabi background, I would like to mention prophet Muhammad SAWW famous hadith:

There is no preference for Arabs over non-Arabs, nor for non-Arabs over Arabs. Neither is their preference for white people over black people, nor for black people over white people. Preference is only through righteousness.

As for the case of parents Involvement in son/daughter marriage :

“When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.“ [Tirmidhi, Nasa'i & Ibn Majah]

You can also check Here, with your related problem.

And as for the for respect/limitation of Parents in son/daughter marriage, please check this. Parents have the highest values of respect in Islam, I would advise you go to through the links provided, as they will help alot in this issue.

  • Hope it provides help.
    – Seeker
    Commented Mar 6, 2017 at 6:43
  • The second hadith was graded as only "Hasan" by Al-Albani, so you cannot use it is an absolute evidence, the sunan ibn majah version was graded "weak". So this Hadith cannot be used to obligate anything
    – Hisham
    Commented Apr 1, 2023 at 23:32

This is such a common issue in many places. I am not going to repeat that in Islam there is no preference of a caste over another, nor a race over another, as it is already mentioned by many answers here and the linked question.

You have couple of options as it seems:

  1. Convince them: keep talking to your parents, and try to convince them of why you think she is good for you. You might want to mention some successful cross-caste marriages and so on.

  2. Get support: seek someone you trust that is respected among your family and society to talk to them, and to convince them that caste should not be the only issue looked at. The person can be a relative, an imam, or anyone whose word is respected and value.

  3. Go against the odds: If you really think that the girl is good for you, looking at it from all aspects, and I advise you to do Istikhara sincerely, then you have the option on going on with what you believe is right. However, you will need some support, so when you go to ask for the girl's hand from her father, you are not alone, as depending where you live, the girl's family might not look at it favorably, and may refuse. You will need to talk to the girl about it, so that she speaks to her family about it before you officially ask for her hand, as to see their reaction and response.

    However, please note, though that this option is available, you might have issues with your family later on after the marriage, and the same goes to your future spouse, and if you are separated, or one of you dies, the other might be put in a very unfavorable situation, and might be an outcast.

I advise you strongly to seek help from people with status in your society, and to get support as to convince your parents. I believe this is the most viable option.

  • 1
    Quite good analysis, although some references would be great.
    – Seeker
    Commented Feb 22, 2017 at 14:01

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