first time posting anything like this so here goes.
I'm sick and tired of everything in my life, I don't see anything as worth pursuing, nothing seems worth it. the only thing I want to do now is die. growing up wasn't easy for me and maybe that's why i am what i am now.
growing up, from grade 1 to my first year in college, I was always bullied, by almost everyone, most of my classmates, my parents, even some of my teachers. they always made fun of me because i was fat, Muslim, middle eastern, or had epilepsy. I rarely had friends, and most of my friends even the one I have now, most of them have either disconnected from me for stabbed me in the back one way or another, I just don't trust anyone anymore.
growing up with my family, both my parents have narcissistic personalty disorder as i discovered later on in life. My dad, use to hit me, and put me down all the time, and my mom who not only hates Islam is also a feminist extreme told me all the time that all men are evil, all men should be killed off, men are this and that. I can't remember one day when she wasn't yelling or complaining or playing the born victim card, or trying to always make me feel guilty for everything.
I also had epilepsy a lot in my life, from when I was 10 to 18, I was always on medication, that heavily sedated me, I never got to know what it was like to be a child or a teenager, and when I got my brain surgery it left me with even more problem, I now have borderline personality disorder.
I believed in Allah from a very early age, from around 9 or 10 (I'm 25 now), living this life I asked for God's help, over and over again, and nothing. I pray and pray, and nothing, I ask for just some happiness in my life and I revive nothing. I look at others like my mom who insult Islam and ruin everyone lives, what does she get in return, she got marred to a rich husband, abandoned all her children (meaning my 2 siblings) and travels to a different part of the world for a short vacation like every other month. Other who have made my life a hell, and people who don't even believe in Allah, who openly mock, and insult Allah, get everything they want handed to them on a silver plate.
i gave up praying for the things that I want because I know now that even that won't make me happy, what I ask for from Allah now is death, to just let me die, so I don't have to deal with this world anymore. It just seems that Allah gives the wrong doers, the sinful, and wicked everything they want, and I don't get any happiness. I'm starting to lose faith, I'm starting to not care anymore, I just want to get drunk every night now and hope a die a painless death somehow.
what do I do, what can I do, I've read about peoples dua's not being accepted, and theirs the 3 ways that Allah answers, but honestly, I'm starting to lose faith that the help and mercy of Allah will ever come.