If you've read one my earlier questions, you'd know that I've been suffering from heavy waswas from Shaitan which lead to depression. Many people have requested me to learn more about Islam to clear my doubts. However, whenever I start doing research on Islam, I start suffering from anxiety.
Recently, I've decided to ignore all the doubts and just continue my life as a Muslim. I want to say the Shahadah again because I've said some pretty terrible things when I was talking about my doubts with my parents... things that just might have taken me outside the territory of Islam.
But the problem is that according to most Islamic websites, my shahadah will not be valid unless I say it with a pure heart.... in other words, I have to say it with absolute certainty that Islam is the truth. So basically, that means I can't just ignore my doubts and say the shahadah. And as I said, every time I try to research about Islam to clear my doubts, I start suffering from anxiety.
So what do I do now? I'm pretty sure some of the things I said to my parents turned me into a non-muslim. And at the same time, I can't return to islam because I can't fulfill one of the requirements of shahadah (which is certainty). I don't even know if Allah is accepting my salah anymore.
It's like Allah doesn't want me to be muslim. It's like He has already condemned me to hell.
Am I a hypocrite?