This is going to be a bit long so please, bear with me.
I am a 21 year old university student. I was born and raised a muslim. I have visited Saudi Arabia and performed Umrah many times and Hajj twice. I have always been proud to be a muslim. My Imaan has always been strong. Whenever I had doubts about Islam, it was easy for me to believe that they are just whispers of shaytaan. It was easy for me to ignore them. But that was until a few months ago.
A few months ago, I read something online about Muhammad (s.a.w.) which had disastrous effects on my Imaan. I'm not gonna say what I read because it might affect the Imaan of other muslims reading this. But after I read it, I started asking myself "What if I'm following the wrong religion? What if Islam is not the truth?" I prayed to Allah everyday to make these thoughts go away. But Allah wasn't answering. I couldn't ignore these thoughts as waswas from shaytaan.
For the first time in my life, I started suffering from depression. I wanted to end my life but I was too scared to do that because of what Islam teaches about suicide. I decided to talk to my parents about this issue. They told me:"Do not look for proof or reasoning for any religion. If there existed a reason/proof for any religion, everyone in the world would be following that religion. Instead, you should follow Islam blindly and assume that all doubts are whispers of shaytaan. You just have to take a leap of faith and "believe without reasoning"". I also talked to my younger brother about this issue and he gave me the exact same answer.
At first I thought that advice was absurd. How can anyone simply "believe without reasoning"? I didn't follow their advice. I decided to keep looking for reasons to believe Islam is the truth.
At first, I found a good reason to follow Islam. So I went with it. And I started to feel a lot better. But after a few weeks, I could no longer believe in that reason. In other words, I found a reason NOT to believe in that reason. So the doubts started to come back. The depression came back. I started crying to my parents again and they gave me the same reply as before: "Believe without reason. All doubts are whispers of shaytaan"
A few days later, I found another reason to believe in Islam. And it was going quite well for a couple of days. But once again, I started to have doubts about those reasons as well. Once again, I started crying to my parents and once again, they gave me the same advice: "Believe without reason"
So what did I do after that? I gave up. I finally took my parents' advice. Why? Because they were right. If I ever find a reason to follow a particular religion, then eventually, I will come across something that will give me doubts about that reason. Since I was born and raised muslim, I still had a little bit of Imaan left inside of me. So with that little bit of Imaan, I proclaimed the Shahadah again.
For a couple of weeks, I was feeling a lot better. Everytime I had doubts, I just told myself "These are whispers of shaytaan".
But suddenly, I remembered something. I remembered that if someone says Shahadah, he/she must do it with certainty. And only Allah knows what's in your heart. So I thought to myself: "Since some of the doubts were still there, I didn't recite Shahadah with a pure heart. But with the little bit of Imaan I had left inside of me, I did the best I could. So did Allah accept my Shahadah?"
So brothers and sisters, I'm not asking you to help me believe in Islam because any reason you find can and will be refuted by someone. I want to follow Islam blindly. But my question to you is: Did Allah accept my Shahadah? Despite all my doubts, if I tell myself "I will follow Islam no matter what. All doubts are "whispers of Shaytaan" it just means that my heart is impure. My heart doesn't entirely believe in Islam but there is still a little bit of Imaan left inside of me. I don't care about other religions. This is the religion I want to believe. But would my Shahadah be accepted?
I still pray 5 times a day but I'm afraid Allah is not accepting my Salah because I said Shahadah with an impure heart. I keep thinking "What if the doubts in my mind are not waswaas of shaytaan? What if it's all me?"