How do I convince my parents that I should marry the girl I like? Am I sinful if I deny my parent's choice? Are they sinful if they force me?

Question

I am 23 years old and earning good money after my graduation since 2 years. We are 3 brothers only, no sister. My parents want me to marry a daughter of my aunt, but I do not like her. Instead, I like one of the girls in my family. Both families know each other very well, and have good relationships.

I have already declined marriage to my aunt's daughter, but she has no other young boy to marry in our close family, so consequently my family is sort of angry at me.

I want to know: How do I convince my parents that I should marry the girl I like?

They follow Islam. What stories of Islam I can convey to them? What teachings of Hazrat Muhammad (PBUH) or from Quran I can refer them about the marriage so they agree me?

And am I sinful if I deny my parent's choice? Are parents sinful if they force me?

Answer 1

First sit down with your parents and talk about it. Then, with a clear mind think about the situation. If you like someone else, then tell your parents. Explain it to them calmly because that always helps. No you are not sinful going against your parents choice and your parents only would want the best for you.

Answer 2

There's a number of conditions when it comes to your parents choice in your marriage.

1- Not approving of any girl whom he chooses for himself as a wife.

2- Not approving of a girl whom he chooses, but their objection is for legitimate shar’i reasons, such as if she has a bad reputation, or she is not Muslim – even though marriage to a Christian or Jewish woman is basically permissible.

3- Not approving of a girl whom he chooses, but it is not for any legitimate shar’i reason, rather it is for personal or worldly reasons, such as if she is not beautiful or is not from a good family, and he is not infatuated with her and he does not fear any harm to himself if he does not marry her.

4- The same scenario as that mentioned above, but he is infatuated with her, and fears fitnah for himself if he does not marry her.

5- Forcing him to marry a girl whom they choose for him, even if she is religiously committed and of good character.

It seems to us from the rulings on the scenarios mentioned above that the son should obey his parents in the second and third cases, and that it is definitely obligatory for him to do so in the second case. In the second case the matter is clear and he has to obey them, because he is going to do something that is bad for their son and may also affect them.

In the third case it is permissible for him, but obeying them is obligatory, and what is obligatory takes precedence over what is permissible.

As for the first, fourth and fifth scenarios, it does not seem that he is obliged to obey them, because choosing a wife is the son’s right, not the parents’; they may intervene in some cases but not in all. Preventing him from marrying any girl he chooses, regardless of whether she is religiously-committed or not, is pointless and he does not have to obey them.

The same applies if he is infatuated with a woman and fears fitnah if he does not marry her. In this case he does not have to obey them if they tell him to leave her and not marry her, because that may lead to evil and fitnah that Islam came to prevent.

It is definite that he should not obey them in the fifth case, which is where they force him to marry a girl whom they have chosen. This is not a matter in which he is obliged to obey them. Rather it is akin to food and drink: he may choose whatever he wants to eat and drink, and they have no right to control that.

For more information about this, please follow this link: https://islamqa.info/en/98768

With regards to convincing your parents, it's more about talking to them and explaining your reasons. It's always a difficult thing to do in some societies where you are supposed to accept whatever your parents say.

Consent is one of the core tenants of marriage and can validate or invalidate a marriage. Please refer to this link for more info. https://islamqa.info/en/47439

Weigh your choice carefully and marry someone you think you can live your life with. Ultimately it's not your parents who have to spend the rest of their lives with your would-be wife. It is you.