My heart and mind is a woman.
I'm a muslim. My father was an Imaan but he died 12 years ago. My family, my relatives, my neighborhood, my community are all muslims. I believe in Allah, the creator of all things, the lord of all creations, the most beneficient, most merciful. I'm 19 years old and I am gay. (Allah knows whats in my heart and what I really desire.) I believe that Allah don't make mistakes, never ever Allah made mistake. He is the perfect of all perfects. I also believe that our good and bad fate are from Allah. I took this life a trial. I cried many nights asking myself why do I feel this way, (I don't blame god, I blame myself.) the feeling of being attracted to the same sex. Homosexuality is forbidden, its haram. So where is my place in this world? Where would I go in the hereafter? Is my prayers are being accepted? Did I commit sin whenever I thought of my handsome neighbor? Am I destined to go to hell? I know I'm gay! I always prayed to Allah to make me feel attracted to a woman. Even I did say that in my prayers, Allah knows what's in my heart and whats in my head and what I really desire. Someone people would say, this is so simple...try not not be attracted to the same sex, change your feelings...do you know what it feels like??? Its more just like demanding your daughter to dress like a man, move like a man but I'm a man in a man's body. Allah knows how hard I am trying, people wouldn't understand me because they are not me. Only Allah knows what I really feel! How can I accept myself when my religion won't accept me? My family, my friends... I love what Allah has given me but I can't accept it.
I grew up, sad, lonely, gloomy and always alone. Always hiding, timid and low-self esteem. I don't like what I feel toward a guy, what I want from them (but god knows! how damn my heart wants those desires...). The warmth of a man. I want to be a woman, I want to wear a dress, I want to put on a make-up, I want to wear hijab, high heels and gowns. Most of all I want a man. But I never did! I never did! Because I'm a man! A man should be a man! But what about my feelings? What should I do? I think I'm going crazy thinking all about this through-out my 19 years existence since the start I understood the world. God never made mistake and God made me like this so I must have a purpose. Sometime I wish I'd turn a lunatic, to be thrown in a mental hospital.. sooner I will become crazy!!! If I choose my desires? Is hell my destination? Yes! It is! But If I don't follow my desires, I'll be forever hating myself and hating yourself is a sin for not appreciating what has Allah given to me. Destination is hell too? Is hell is my destiny? My fate?