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My heart and mind is a woman.

I'm a muslim. My father was an Imaan but he died 12 years ago. My family, my relatives, my neighborhood, my community are all muslims. I believe in Allah, the creator of all things, the lord of all creations, the most beneficient, most merciful. I'm 19 years old and I am gay. (Allah knows whats in my heart and what I really desire.) I believe that Allah don't make mistakes, never ever Allah made mistake. He is the perfect of all perfects. I also believe that our good and bad fate are from Allah. I took this life a trial. I cried many nights asking myself why do I feel this way, (I don't blame god, I blame myself.) the feeling of being attracted to the same sex. Homosexuality is forbidden, its haram. So where is my place in this world? Where would I go in the hereafter? Is my prayers are being accepted? Did I commit sin whenever I thought of my handsome neighbor? Am I destined to go to hell? I know I'm gay! I always prayed to Allah to make me feel attracted to a woman. Even I did say that in my prayers, Allah knows what's in my heart and whats in my head and what I really desire. Someone people would say, this is so simple...try not not be attracted to the same sex, change your feelings...do you know what it feels like??? Its more just like demanding your daughter to dress like a man, move like a man but I'm a man in a man's body. Allah knows how hard I am trying, people wouldn't understand me because they are not me. Only Allah knows what I really feel! How can I accept myself when my religion won't accept me? My family, my friends... I love what Allah has given me but I can't accept it.

I grew up, sad, lonely, gloomy and always alone. Always hiding, timid and low-self esteem. I don't like what I feel toward a guy, what I want from them (but god knows! how damn my heart wants those desires...). The warmth of a man. I want to be a woman, I want to wear a dress, I want to put on a make-up, I want to wear hijab, high heels and gowns. Most of all I want a man. But I never did! I never did! Because I'm a man! A man should be a man! But what about my feelings? What should I do? I think I'm going crazy thinking all about this through-out my 19 years existence since the start I understood the world. God never made mistake and God made me like this so I must have a purpose. Sometime I wish I'd turn a lunatic, to be thrown in a mental hospital.. sooner I will become crazy!!! If I choose my desires? Is hell my destination? Yes! It is! But If I don't follow my desires, I'll be forever hating myself and hating yourself is a sin for not appreciating what has Allah given to me. Destination is hell too? Is hell is my destiny? My fate?

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    Salam and welcome to Islam Stack Exchange the Q&A site about Islam. Please consider taking our tour, checking our help center, Islam Meta and How to Ask to learn how this site works, and what is on- or off-topic here. – Medi1Saif Jun 27 '16 at 6:53
  • you may find some answers here: islam.stackexchange.com/questions/5686/… – nim Jun 27 '16 at 14:39
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    Allah only one who decides whomever go to heaven or hell. before facing final trial, no one can claim that he/she will go to hell or heaven. – nim Jun 27 '16 at 14:42
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Have you considered the possibility that you are a transgender woman? Gay men don't ordinarily go around saying things like "my heart and mind is a woman"; transgender women certainly do. Transgenderism should not be confused with homosexuality.

Islam has an interesting, and relatively positive relationship with transgender women:

  • There's the mukhannathun or "effeminates":

    According to the scholar and hadith collector al-Nawawi:

    A mukhannath is the one ("male") who carries in his movements, in his appearance and in his language the characteristics of a woman. There are two types; the first is the one in whom these characteristics are innate, he did not put them on by himself, and therein is no guilt, no blame and no shame, as long as he does not perform any (illicit) act or exploit it for money (prostitution etc.). The second type acts like a woman out of immoral purposes and he is the sinner and blameworthy.

    Your post makes you sound like this first kind.

  • Iran's Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini published a fatwa regarding genital reassignment surgery, "authorising them for "diagnosed transsexuals" 25 years ago" (ref.; see also Wikipedia).

  • Quite recently, fifty clerics in Pakistan issued a fatwa addressing marriage and inherentence of transgender women, even claiming that it's haram to "humiliate, insult or tease" transgender people (ref.).

    Qamar Nasim said that many police officers had charged people in transgender marriages because "due to a lack of knowledge... they consider it same-sex marriage".

I can't tell you if you're a transgender women or not, but have a think about it. Consider also talking to a gender therapist. It will be hard to understand your sexuality without first understanding your gender.

Islam Q&A has an article on this but was written in the context of surgery; while the article is mostly against surgically transitioning, this part is relevant:

...if your masculinity is not established, and you only think that you are a man because of what you see in your body of outward masculine appearance, in contrast to what you feel in yourself of having feminine characteristics and an inclination towards males and being sexually attracted to them, then you should examine your situation

...

You should consult experienced specialist doctors. If they determine that you are male in outward appearance but are in fact female, then you may submit yourself to their treatment, so that they can bring out your femininity by doing surgery. But that will not in fact be a sex change from male to female, because this will not be up to them; rather it will be bringing out your true nature and removing what is in your body, and what you feel deep inside you of confusion and ambiguity.

  • You didn't really answer the question, but diverted it to transgenders. – novice Jun 30 '16 at 4:21
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    Diverted? The OP wrote "my heart and mind is a woman", "I want to be a woman", etc. It's a question about transgenderism. – Rebecca J. Stones Jun 30 '16 at 4:27
  • That is your interpretation. The question explicitly asks if gays go to hell and you should answer that as well. – novice Jun 30 '16 at 4:30
  • @RebeccaJ.Stones Thank you so much for posting this in-depth and compassionate answer. I tried to do some research on the question, but I could not come up with anything except a hadith in which Muhammad told people not to allow a mukhannath into their home. I felt so bad for OP but could not offer anything. Kudos to you. – SaganRitual Jun 30 '16 at 22:13
  • Transgenderism is completely haram, are people not satisfied the way Allah has created them?! His gender is set and cannot be determined by himself. May Allah Guide Him To the Straight Path, Ameen. – HexC3D Apr 7 '17 at 13:56
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If you feel attracted to men, only option for you in Islam is to not act upon it. If you act upon it and have relationship with men, then that is forbidden act in Islam. You can remain celibate either for full life or until you feel attracted towards women. Remaining celibate is not difficult, everyone nowadays do this in some part of their life. Like for example, most males attain puberty in their early teens but they remain celibate till their marriage which can be till their late twenties. Some people have to remain away from wives for long period of time for different reasons like work, study etc. There are also males who do not marry due to different reasons like financial, non availability of suitable brides, physical difficulties etc.

To summarize, just because you are attracted to male, you are not sinning. It is only upon acting on it that you sin. So just abstain from that and you can be good Muslim.

  • It might be that you missed a part of the question. OP says that hating himself and for not appreciating what Allah has given him is a sin. So if he does not follow up on his desires he will hate himself and sin(for hating himself), if he follows up on his desires he will act upon his desires and will sin and go to hell. In this backdrop he poses the question: Is he definitely going to hell? How do you resolve this conundrum for the OP. Frankly I do not really see a way out of this for him, but maybe there is? – novice Jun 30 '16 at 7:01
  • @novice Just because one person hate something about him doesn't mean he is sinning. he just has to deal with it patiently and he will get rewarded for that. For example, a blind man do not like being a blind, same with others who have physical disabilities, problems etc. all these people may hate their condition, still if they patiently bear them, they get rewarded for their patience. – Abu Ziyad Jun 30 '16 at 7:45
  • But there is a difference between hating a condition and hating himself. A blind man cannot do anything to see- if he could he would. The OP can do something to stop him from hating himself - so should he and go to hell, or shouldn't he and go to hell? – novice Jun 30 '16 at 7:48
  • @novice A poor person can hate his poverty. He thinks he can become rich if he use forbidden ways like cheating, theft etc. That may help overcoming poverty but it is sin. where as being poor and hating being poor is not sin. You said " so should he and go to hell", you assume that just because he hates his condition he is sinning, which I think is not correct. – Abu Ziyad Jun 30 '16 at 7:57
  • No that is not what I am assuming. If you read the question, the OP explicitly stated that if he does not follow his desires he will hate HIMSELF, of course he hates his condition that much is obvious from the question. but the problem is that hate being centered on the person instead of the condition which is inevitable if he does not follow up. So he has not sinned yet, but will sin shortly when he starts to hate himself. – novice Jun 30 '16 at 8:03

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