Warning : I feel as if this is very immature I mean hello Im a teen Muslim figuring her way out of this hole so please be considerate if I sound a little overboard. This is a confession I cant make to anyone unless anonymously.
Im a teenage Malaysian, just finished high school. I come from a religious family, grew up in a religious community, went to an islamic private school. But when I was small my family spent 4 years in England and that had a big impact of who I became as i grew up. I was exposed to "the western world" at a very young age. eventhough it was in Malaysia my high school years were filled with western music movies and most of all youtube. My mind about homosexuality was always set like "I know Allah forbids homosexuality but i think if you're gay and not Muslim Im totally fine with that go ahead and live your life" until one day when I watched a coming out video on YouTube by Ingrid Nilsen. Listening to everything she said, it dawned on me the possibility I was gay was pretty high bc I related to her confessions so much. I also realised how obsessed I get over the seniors im close to. Someone no doubt I saw it as a girl crush but after that video It made me think what if that was a real crush.
It scared me so much. I was constantly battling with all the different thoughts in my head about how real this was. I realised I had always been attracted to girls. And even though I never fell in love with my best friends, I appreciate them so much that when a friendship ends, it literally breaks me. And when I watch movies I admire the actress's beauty but could it be more than that?
I was taking some big exam at that time so I tried my best to push these thoughts away. Until another gay figure came. The character Emily Fields from the tv show Pretty Little Liars. I was obsessed with the actress, Shay Mitchell because I found out she had a YouTube channel. Then the question popped up again. My iman was low at that time. I had lost the battle with the devil and read some lesbian stories on an ebook app, Wattpad. but after I realised how what I was doing was really bad I had a long thought about the whole thing, and about myself.
I can say im not gay because i am attracted to guys. When I watch a movie I look at the pretty girl as much as the handsome guy. Therefore I am probably bisexual. Im grateful Allah tested me with bisexuality and not completely gay because It would be harder. I can say I am also attracted to girls. Luckily Allah has never tested me with falling for a friend. I can say I will never ever actually decide I want to marry a girl. It will never happen. Because I know there is not one person in my life that I know will support me if I were to confess what Im feeling.
So in conclusion my is question is, if i don't act upon it as in I don't date a girl in the future but I still have strong desires to do so, is that sinful? And what does God say about homosexual muslims?
Im trying my best, please help me. Assalamualaikum