When we read in Quran the Verses about the relationship between husband and wife and family matters we always find the words "و ان خفتم" ="And if you fear that ...".
We also can find that Allah ordered the believers to consort with women in kindness
O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by
compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take
[back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear
immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike
them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.
[Surat an-Nisa' (4:19)]
And he described how wife and husband should live together:
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that
you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection
and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.
[Surat ar-Rum (30:21)]
A Wife's Basic Rights Regarding Her Husband's Behavior not mentioning from her other rights regarding living expenditures, housing, clothing, and education of children. Are:
- The first and worthiest condition of marriage to be fulfilled by the husband is to "keep the promise or promises he made to the wife at the time he married her."
The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "The stipulations most entitled to be abided by
are those with which you are given the right to enjoy the (women's)
private parts (i.e. the stipulations of the marriage contract).
[Sahih al-Bukhari and Sunan abi Dawod]
- He cannot order her to do anything that is against religion.
- He must exercise patience and be prepared to listen to her advice in every situation. The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to listen to the advice of his wives in matters ranging from the smallest to the greatest.
- He must respect her and pay attention to her needs so that she will respect him and pay attention to his. This could mean expressing gratitude pay attention to her not ignoring her!
- He must never ever divulge the secrets of the household and those of the married couple.
- He must strive with sincerity to acquire her trust, and seek her welfare in all the actions that pertain to her.
- He must treat her generously at all times. The Prophet (s) said that the best gift or charity (sadaqa) is that spent on one's wife.
- If she works outside the house, it is praiseworthy for the husband to hire house help to relieve her from too heavy a burden. Again expressing gratitude!
- He must avoid excessive jealousy and remember that Allah is also jealous that he himself not commit.
- He must protect her honor and not place her in situations where it is compromised or belittled.
- He must exercise patience and forgiveness in the case of disagreement or dispute, and not rush to divorce. This means he should try to avoid quarrels!
- He must not dwell on what he dislikes in his wife, but on what he likes.
- The husband is not to stay away from his wife or keep his wife in a state of suspense, whether at home or abroad, for a protracted period of time except with her consent. This means a husband shouldn't neglect his wife!
And you will never be able to be equal [in feeling] between wives,
even if you should strive [to do so]. So do not incline completely
[toward one] and leave another hanging. And if you amend [your
affairs] and fear Allah - then indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and
- He shouldn't beat his wife!
Bahz bin Hakim reported on the authority of his father from his
grandfather (Mu'awiyah ibn Haydah) as saying: I said: Messenger of
Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them?
He replied: Approach your tilth when or how you will, give her (your
wife) food when you take food, clothe when you clothe yourself, do not
revile her face, and do not beat her.
Abu Dawud said: The version of Shu'bah has: That you give her food
when you have food yourself, and that you clothe her when you clothe
[Sunan abi Dawod (just one of two ahadith), a similar Hadith is in
Sunan ibn Majah and in al-Adab al-Mufrad of Imam al-Bukhari]
- Caring for one's wife's sexual fulfillment is an obligation of religion. Again this would mean he shouldn't neglect his wife!
- A Husband should beShowing his affection for his wife as our Messenger (peace be upon him) used to do:
- Narrated Zainab bint Abi Salama:
Um-Salama said, "I got my menses while I was lying with the Prophet
(ﷺ) under a woolen sheet. So I slipped away, took the clothes for
menses and put them on. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, 'Have you got your
menses?' I replied, 'Yes.' Then he called me and took me with him
under the woolen sheet."
Um Salama further said, "The Prophet (ﷺ) used
to kiss me while he was fasting. The Prophet (ﷺ) and I used to take
the bath of Janaba from a single pot."
[sahih al-Bukahri, Muslim]
- Narrated Aisha, Ummul Mu'minin:
The Prophet (ﷺ) used to kiss her and suck her tongue when he was
[Sunan abi Dawod, qualified as da'if by al-Albani and others because of the addition "suck her tongue"]
The Prophet (ﷺ) used to kiss and embrace (his wives) while he was
fasting, and he had more power to control his desires than any of you.
Said Jabir, "The person who gets discharge after casting a look (on
his wife) should complete his fast."
Here another thing a good husband should do according to the sunna:
Narrated AbuSa'id ; AbuHurayrah:
The Prophet (ﷺ) said: When a man himself wakes at night and wakens his
wife and they pray two rak'ahs together, they are recorded among the
men and women who make much mention of Allah.
[Sunan abi Dawod]
and at least some useful links:
And at least from a shia' point of View
And Allah knows best!