I will use this translation (Sahih International):
Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over
the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So
righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's]
absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom
you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist],
forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you
[once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted
and Grand. 4:34
The following points clarified here:
- Men are the guardians of women.
- They should provide for them and spend on them from their wealth.
- Righteous women are obedient of their husbands, and they guard their chastity ("what Allah would have them guard").
- The first step is to advice.
- Then, abandon their marital bed.
- If then they do not right their ways, strike them.
However it does not state here that you should strike the wife if she does not indulge in marital relations.
The problem here is that the word "وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ" has many meanings, one of them is "strike", but it does not always mean the physical act of striking (as in, hitting), however many scholars also suppose another meaning; here is one analysis from al-islam.org:
In fact, through a detailed and necessary study of the word
“yadribuhunna” (strike them) in the verse, one can infer two distinct
meanings, which we will explain in some detail below: The first
meaning is derived by considering the apparent meaning of daraba,
which is to hit; and the majority lean towards this interpretation.
The second meaning, which is consistent with a study of the context of
the matter being discussed in the verse, is an alternate translation
of the word daraba, which is a word with several different meanings.
One can consider the possibility of this second meaning, which is
indignation and disregard, as a response of the man to the nushuz
displayed by his wife. This conforms to the extensive meaning of
daraba, which includes parting and separation.
Another meaning of daraba is to “turn away from” or “to dispense
with”; therefore when referring to the speech of someone who is
speaking nonsense, or to a piece of baseless writing, one may say,
“fadribuhu ‘ala’l jidar” (throw it at the wall), which is an allegory
for, “do not pay attention to it”.
Even if we ignore these interpretations, the Quran provides further guidance:
Fight in the way of Allah those who fight you but do not transgress.
Indeed. Allah does not like transgressors. 2:190
Beating is clearly and act of aggression.
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that
you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection
and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. 30:21
Clearly Allah prefers mercy and love between a husband and wife, and this is preferred over all else.
Finally, let me leave you with this:
So high [above all] is Allah , the Sovereign, the Truth. And, [O
Muhammad], do not hasten with [recitation of] the Qur'an before its
revelation is completed to you, and say, "My Lord, increase me in
knowledge." 20:114
