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My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. My husband lost his temper and responded that they are doing wrong and he does not wish to keep a further relationship with them because of the way they wrong him EVERY time we meet (at gatherings, etc).

My parents at that time did the same with me and told me that i am blinded and that my husband is a liar, and so is his family, etc etc. My husband was selected by my parents, we had gotten married with everyone's consent and he is making a halal earning Alhumdullilah. My parents also gave me the ultimatum that I have hurt them over the years by siding with my husband. At this point, my siblings are also siding with my parents and all parties are at a no-talking relationship. I do not know how to proceed but am completely aware of the fact that my parents are in the wrong, as much as I hate to say it.

Islamically, how should a woman deal with such a conflict between her two families (i.e. between her husband and her parents), especially insofar as she is expected to maintain ties with both?

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Hi there, and welcome to our site. Please have a look at the FAQ: islam.stackexchange.com/faq your question is very very specific (and unlikely to be useful for anyone else), and will probably elicit discussions instead of having a clear answer. For now, I'm going to close it -- feel free to pop into chat and discuss it. –  ashes999 Nov 16 '12 at 20:54
    
Also, I would like to add: it's not fard (absolutely required and sinful to not do) for your husband to visit your parents. For you, it is, but not for him. I recommend talking to a local shaykh who you trust about this. –  ashes999 Nov 16 '12 at 21:30
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thank you for welcoming. Please do not close this question as it is vital to our community where things like this happen. I know possibly no one will benefit but I feel like those who answer it help me. Just a thought. –  Ifrah Nov 16 '12 at 21:31
    
I've reworked the core question to better fit the SE model. Please review to ensure it's asking what you actually want to ask. –  goldPseudo Nov 16 '12 at 22:27
    
It may help your family gradually change their mind about your husband if you smartly exaggerate what your husband has done for you, counting his good characteristics in front of your family and avoiding anything that may make them more sensitive regarding him, and to count your family's kindnesses in the past with regard to your husband for him to gradually change his mind about your family. Try to focus on the good sides of each deed and justify the apparent bad sides only after the bad sides were mentioned. –  owari Nov 21 '12 at 4:30
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5 Answers

up vote 6 down vote accepted

Being respectful to your both families - your previous and your current family - is praised by Allah.

If the two families can not welcome each other, pushing them together doesn't help. So I propose you to kindly communicate both of them - your parents and your husband. You can meet your parents lonely.

But don't let each one to say bad things about the other when you are there - just try to change the talk or behave such that they feel you dislike - و لا تغتب بعضکم بعضا -.

Making peace between them is something very hard and time consuming but very pleasant.

فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا بِالْعَدْلِ وَأَقْسِطُوا إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُقْسِطِينَ

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Thank you, I am doing exactly this. There is just no way I can get my husband or parents on one page, and in trying to do so, I have not only lost my parents in the process, but also my siblings. As of now, I am keeping a low profile and waiting for the storm to pass. As in the past, meeting them lonely has only had them talk against my husband (even though I have laughed and smiled at them that everything is good, nothing to worry, at times even let them say everything they have had to and quietly listened). I do not think there is making peace anytime in the near future though. –  Ifrah Nov 16 '12 at 21:29
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(ALLAH knows the best. May HE forgive me if my understanding is wrong)

In ALLAH's view, no man or woman is superiority due to his birth. But, to maintain order, Islam defines the priority order. On that note, ALLAH (SWT) clearly delegated the leadership of a family to the husband.

To be specific, for a woman after her marriage, her husband have the priority over her parents unless he is not doing (or ordering) any haram to her or ordering to misbehave to them or disobey any of ALLAH's fard orders. There are many references on this matter, and there is almost no controversy on this. e.g.

"وعن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه عن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم قال‏:‏ ‏"‏ لو كنت آمرًا أحدًا أن يسجد لأحد لأمرت المرأة أن تسجد لزوجها‏"‏" (رواه الترمذي وقال ‏:‏ حديث حسن صحيح‏)‏‏)‏‏.‏)

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (PBUH) said, "If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband".

[At-Tirmidhi]

But, there is no hadith this extreme regarding the parents of a woman.

However, general directions for treating parents with proper respect will have it's own place. The wife should maintain that without hurting her husband. But if, in a worst case, the direction from the husband and from the parents are conflicting, the husband's one will get priority. And, denial of the parent's one have to be in respectful way.

On the contrary, for a man, his mother will get the utmost priority, unless she is ordering something haram to his son. If his wife and his mother is presenting a conflict, his mother have the right to win.

May ALLAH give you the ability to please him.

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You have to obey your parents instructions If it is not against islamic law(shareeath). You also have responsibility to to love and care your husband.

It is difficult to believe that your parents hurt your husband without any reason . Insulting a person a person is not allowed in islam ,So you must not support it even if they are your parents . But at the same time you must not say any rude words to parents or show disrespect to support your husband

husband or parents?

Answer is both, you should must stay with your husband and support him, but at the same time you should respect your parents and obey their instructions which not against shareeath,

Yes, it is very hard to practise, pray to almighty ALLAH to resolve all these issues,

sorry for my bad English

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Thank you, I am doing exactly this, and sometime has now passed. There is no initiation from either side and I feel that over time, the problems will be solved. –  Ifrah Nov 16 '12 at 21:28
    
@Ifrah: Sister, It is a test of ALLAH, you will get reward if you successfully passed it. :) . Pray to ALLAH to get mental strength for passing this test, May ALLAH guide you to the right path –  tachyons Nov 17 '12 at 12:36
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You should side with your husband if He is

  • Kind to you
  • Provides you living and financial support
  • Provides you emotional support
  • Does not insult your family or siblings
  • Generally cares about you

You should side with your parents if your parent do all of the above for you!

In either case respect both. Do not offend your parents or even talk loud to them.

This is a very common issue in our society. We can decide such issues by generally understanding things. Usually religion in this case does not help much because both parties are regarded very high in Islam. Verse 17:23-24 talks about how to treat old parents. Also there is plenty of emphasis on husband right in Islam. In short use common judgement, who really cares about your and who is right?

In this case you seem to be already decided. Just wanted to give you some help. By the way you cannot talk loud with your parents and you cannot offend them in any possible way. There is no way you can hurt your parents feelings to Islam. So if you think they are wrong, be kind to them and try to console them.

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Even in the case that the parents are Mushrik, we should be the kindest to them: وَإِنْ جَاهَدَاكَ عَلى أَنْ تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلا تُطِعْهُمَا وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا –  Ali Nov 20 '12 at 13:45
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I am going through the exact same issues since I got married. My parents (only my mother) always finds small issues to dislike and be rude to my husband and his family. It also has gotten to a point now where my husband has lost patience and we have decided to distance ourselves from my mother who has now taken to play favorites and shower my sister's husband with compliments in front of my husband to make him feel bad. I feel bad that I am distanced from my mother but sadly she always encourages me towards gossip and ill feelings and in my view staying away is better than emotionally feeling hurt with her and carrying the pain inside me like a disease. This is my test in life, my mother.

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